Run
Away or Return Home
The longing to escape, jump in the car and run away to a
deserted island, has returned with the return of Sam and Thorin. At night, I toss and turn with a racing mind
and a body ready for flight.
During
the last few years of marriage (when things were unraveling and divorce was
imminent), I dreamt of living alone in a house at the beach where I could do
whatever I wanted, simple activities like swim in the ocean, walk along the
beach, collect seashells, read, write. Not
that I didn’t want to be doing much of what I was doing (being a mother,
finishing my MFA degree, etc.), but that I felt like I was doing it all to
other people’s timetables and expectations and at the same time being judged
short in the process.
Now that
I am revisiting the longing to run away, the yearning to go anywhere but home,
I am surprised to discover that what I most wanted/want to escape are my
feelings, and I am reminded of the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Then, like now, I felt overwhelmed to an
extreme level, and I felt like I was going crazy. The pressure of too much responsibility, of
taking on too much, of going it alone, of not knowing what to do crushed me. Also, I lost sight of self and
priorities. I felt as though
circumstances were thrust upon me that I had no control over and could do
nothing about. Placed in an impossible
situation, I felt powerless, stressed, confused, and inadequate. Invisible.
While
there are many parallels in our current situation, I am grateful for this
experience because it is helping me pinpoint, articulate, and process these
emotions and because I recognize that it is not the same and that I am not the
same. There are things I can and have
done to help the situation, and I am not alone.
Not only do I have many amazing people around me, but also God is with
me. This time, I know that it will be
resolved, it will get better, and I will survive it.
The girls
are also learning powerful lessons from this experience. They have missed Sam and Thorin the past
three years and have wanted them to come live with us. Now they are seeing why I said no. After walking Sam last night, Laina said, “I
can’t take this anymore. I’m physically
and emotionally exhausted, and I have scratches and bruises on my arms from Sam
pulling on the leash.”
They are
also seeing how one cannot really go back.
Perhaps they imagined an idealized version of reality where having Sam
and Thorin live with them again would be recapturing their earlier childhood or
where it would be a parent trap and bring their childhood family together
again. I am not discounting the fact
that they love the dogs, and if I had a full-time job and we lived in a house
with a backyard, it would not even be an issue.
At the same time, our lives are very different now because things change
and people change.
In his
poem, “The Road Not Taken,” Robert Frost says:
Yet knowing how way leads
on to way,
I doubted if I should
ever come back.
We cannot go back. Even if we moved back to the same town, the
same house, and the same family, we have all grown, changed, moved on. We are different people with different
lives. Not good or bad different, simply
different. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t
ever go back and revisit the past but that you return as a new person.
Part of returning to something is seeing who you have
become and how far you’ve come.
Transformation is not complete until after a homecoming. Think of Homer’s Odysseus or Luke Skywalker
or Harry Potter. Having our Missouri
dogs transplanted into our Florida lives is a form of homecoming, though I
still need to make the trek up north someday soon for a true homecoming. For now, we are realizing our renewed selves
and lives.
At the same time, I am also longing for home. The whole purpose behind Nehemiah building the
wall was the return and protection of the people. They uprooted the lives they had built to
return home to “their own towns.” In the
study, Kelly Minter writes, “But I am not home, and home is where I am most at
rest.” Home is where we sleep at
night. Home is where we feel most
safe. Home is where our loved ones
are. Home is what is familiar,
comfortable, and loved.
Here, in Florida, my condo is my home, my girls are my
home. Sunshine, ocean waves, palm trees,
and cats are my home. We have created a
safe and happy home here.
Yet we
miss home: extended family, the autumn
air and turning leaves of the Ozarks, Scrabble and Bridge tournaments, the spring
buds and robins of Missouri, traditional family events like Apple Butter Day, snow
days, and the roaring rivers, towering Oak trees, and colossal cliffs.
This week’s
study of Nehemiah ends with celebration and joy and relates the story of when the
people stayed in “booths” (like tents) for a week to remember how far they’d
come and how God works in our lives.
Thus, today I reflect on the art of homecoming as well as healing and
hope and appreciation.
******************
Have you ever yearned to run
away or longed to return home? Have you ever
experienced both at the same time?! Would love to hear your experiences!!
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