About a
month ago, one friend texted that I was “all take, no give” while another
friend said that I was “taking advantage” of her. The conversations disintegrated after that,
and I felt like I’d lost my two best friends where I currently live. I was flabbergasted that they viewed me so
negatively, especially as I could count numerous times that I had given my time
or help to them (typing resumes, editing papers, hunting down Christmas
trees). They had generously given back
to me as well (helping drive my girls places while I was working, treating us
to dinner), and I didn’t want it to become a contest; however, I knew that I
needed to look carefully at this since two friends essentially said the same
thing. On the way to work that morning,
I sobbed, talking to my sister Britt about how alone I feel here, about how
difficult it is to be the only parent around, and about how exhausting it is to
work three jobs and do all of the parenting myself all of the time with no
break. I missed my sister so much. At the same time, I realized that maybe I was
relying on friends too much since I have no family here. I’d thought that those friends were our
adopted family, and it hurt to think I might lose them.
This
situation spurred my decision to become more involved in our local church and
join some women’s groups there. After
the service the next Sunday, I browsed the books for the upcoming session,
reading the backs. Every time I read the
back of Nehemiah, a heart that can break
by Kelly Minter, my throat and chest tightened and my eyes watered, so I knew I
had to choose that study group. When I
read about having a broken heart, it was as though God was talking directly to
me. My mind flashed to the pink hearts
that Laina drew and left all over the house when she was eight and her dad
first told her about the impending divorce.
Every single heart was broken; over and over again, she drew two halves
that could not touch. When I read about
God using a broken heart to help others, I understood completely. Yes,
I thought. This is what I want. If I have
had to live with a broken heart to learn my life lessons, then please allow
that to help others in some way.
I finally
felt some hope that my heart would heal as I allowed my pain and my blessings
to bless others.
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