Heart of the Matter

The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness

~ India Arie’s “The Heart of the Matter”

I’ve watched friend after friend (writing friends who are also writing teachers, adjuncts) thrown away by their educational institutions in callous and even shocking ways. I’ve felt blessed to continue receiving enough classes to make ends meet (by enough, I mean overloads, as many classes as I could find). Unfortunately, I’ve discovered this semester that my time of overflowing classes is at an end. I haven’t been thrown away like some stories I’ve heard, but I’ve been told in no uncertain terms from the various institutions that I work for that I can no longer have overloads, no matter what (partly because of lower enrollment and partly so that they don't have to pay adjuncts health insurance).

Even with working at more than one institution, this change necessitates changes in our living situation.

Another change in our life has overshadowed everything for the past year: Lexi going off to college. I haven’t written about it because I’m not ready, but the bottom line is this: I am thrilled for Lexi to have the opportunity to live and study in NYC. Yes, I realize that it is a normal and natural cycle of life for her to go off to college and move on with her life, and I support her and let her fly. However, it has changed everything for me and for Laina. It’s like someone came into our home and sucked out a huge chunk of life and energy and who we were. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and we are still reeling from it and working to adjust.

Furthermore, I am rethinking my career path. I’ve taught for over twenty years and have loved it. I’ve taught people from all over the world and people of all ages. I have a high standard in my classroom, which means that I challenge my students to see, learn, and be more. Not all of them like that. In fact, nowadays most of them hate that.

Recent feedback from a student (printed with permission): “I am almost ashamed to admit that this exercise has left me feeling maudlin.  There are actual tears in my eyes.  I feel like I have wasted so much of my life with unimportant work and petty concerns when what I should have been doing is writing.  I am mortified by my own lack of discipline and I can only hope that it is not too late for me to accomplish something I can be proud to say I have done.  This semester has been the most fulfilling bit of education in my life, despite the fact that I already have an AA degree.  My attitude has always been never to let school get in the way of my education because ninety-nine percent of the drivel I sat through in college felt like remedial classes for high school.  I just seemed to reap more from independently reading on my own.  At first, I found this class daunting.  You want a lot of time and effort from your students, much more than most instructors at this institution.  I am sure that does not sit well with some of your pupils, but I appreciate it greatly.  Thank you.“

Words and students like this make teaching so worthwhile. The thought of giving up teaching breaks my heart; however, the whole climate has changed for educators, even for college instructors, and I have been looking for full-time work for five years now.

Moreover, my high standard also means tons of work for me. This semester alone I have read over one thousand pages of student essays and many more pages of simple assignments along the way (both online and on paper). All of that reading and helping students with their writing interferes with my own writing and creativity. This past month (while in NYC and away from the computer, away from a screen, for most of two weeks), I realized just how much strain my eyes and brain have been under. The crux: I am exhausted and need a real break while I reevaluate and decide where to go from here.

Furthermore, my dad has recently gone on hospice. Again, not something that I am ready to write about because I still have so much processing to do. But, I want to spend time with him and be there for family right now.

Coming to Florida was definitely the right thing five years ago. We have met so many amazing people here and been blessed in so many ways. We have healed and grown and learned so much here, and we have had so many incredible opportunities.

 

Florida 2014

Florida 2009

I am deeply grateful for the friendships and support that we have found here. Words cannot express how much you all mean to me and how you have blessed our hearts and lives with your kindness and love.

I’ve prayed for clarity and answers, and I’ve written hundreds of pages of journal entries the past few months as I sorted out options and the pros and cons of everything. As I processed it all, a few simple truths emerged.

Truth #1: Something has to change.

Truth #2: If I only do the same thing/ask for the same thing (piecing together a living), then I’ll just keep getting the same thing.

Truth #3: I am exhausted from piecing together a living.

Truth #4: We miss family.

I don’t have the answers yet, but I do have the beginnings of a plan. We are packing up this month and going to Missouri to be with my family for the holidays and a couple of months while I finish sorting things out. Transitions are hard, but this is still part of the whole divorce transition. I learned in Divorce Recovery that it generally takes five years after the divorce is officially final to be completely settled again. It’s been three years for me, and I know I’ve come a long way in those three years and am excited to see where the next couple of years take me.

Going through all of this (the divorce, the move away from everyone we knew, the fresh start, the longing for family, my dad’s illness and prognosis, etc.) has taught me so much about the kindness of others and the importance of forgiveness, of letting go. I’ll never forget words that my dad spoke to me over twenty years ago, when I was the one in college. He said, “When it comes down to it, all you’ve got it is your family.” Right now, that is the “heart of the matter,” and I am happy that Laina will have a chance, even for a few months, to be rooted in family, rooted on land that has been in our family for over a hundred years. Nothing can replace a foundation like that.

This is a bittersweet moment as we plan to leave friends who have become family here to go stay with family we have missed there. I don’t know where we will be by summer; we may settle into life in Missouri or return to life in Florida or even begin again some place new. Either way, I am ready for the next adventure.



Of Dogs, Cats, and Humans

(I wrote this post near the end of October, but Superstorm Sandy and then the election, along with playing catch up and taking the girls to activities, took over my focus.  I am so sorry for those who are without power, those who lost their homes, belongings, lives.  My heart and prayers go out to all of you.)

          I’ve dreamt about Sam and Thorin the past two nights, and in both dreams, they were happy.  They both used to scramble under my foot rest where I sit on the couch, and I’d have to check every time to make sure they weren’t under there, so I wouldn’t crush them, before putting it down and getting up.  I still hesitate, thinking they might be there, looking for them, before realizing they don’t live here anymore.  Laina cried last night, saying she was depressed and missed her dogs and was still furious at her dad.  Finding them good homes…we did the right thing for where we are in life right now, but it still haunts us.  It will haunt us the rest of our lives.

Through this whole experience, I have noticed parallels, commonalities between all of us—animals, pets, people.  We all need food (good nutrition), shelter, and other basics, such as health care.  We all need to be taken care of to varying extents.  We all need hugs and belly rubs.  And, we all need to be connected to others, to know we matter, to know we are wanted, to know we are loved.  Ultimately, we all need to know we have a place where we belong, a home and family.

Home.  Family.  Belonging.  My deepest daily desires.  Divorce has a long reach, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Not only does it impact the two people who had promised forever as well as their children, but it also affects their extended families, friends, and even their pets and futures.  

The last part of our Nehemiah study discusses how important children are, and Kelly Minter writes, “Nehemiah knew that ‘A single generation’s compromise could undo the work of centuries,’ and he couldn’t leave this up for grabs.”  It is true that our children are the future and so important, and the generational issue can go both ways.  A positive century can be broken by a generation, or a negative century can be broken and set on a new path by a generation.

The end of the book also discusses continuing to “cast our gaze forward,” so our group extended the session to allow time for us to share what the study has meant to us and what we feel God has called us to continue doing.  For instance, one woman is starting a redemption group to help support those in need of recovery and change.  I am continuing to find where I can bless others as well as remembering the importance of what I am doing now by focusing on raising my two teenage daughters. 

During the last session, I shared my story, which helped me to let go of it and find a new way forward.  One of the women said that they were going to pray for “breaking the cycle” so that my daughters can have a true fresh start on a new path.

We have met so many kind and giving people since we moved south.  All of these people along with this experience have helped restore my faith in humanity, Christianity, and God.  When writing morning pages last month, I found myself thanking God for using these amazing, generous people to show His kindness, grace, and love and for allowing me to be part of the testament to prayer power and real life miracles.