Mom's 2016 Christmas Letter

                                                                                                                            December 12, 2016

Greetings,

This year, instead of writing a letter all about the family, I feel called to speak of something serious that is on my heart. Like many can relate to, there have been a lot of changes in my life these past two years—some difficult changes and others positive. For instance, I lost Dad, Newton, and my brother, David. Too much to grieve in too short a time. Yet, I also have much to celebrate as I have gained a daughter-in-law Lynn, her daughter Hailey, a granddaughter-in-law Chelsea, a new granddaughter Zoëy Grace, and a "coming in June" grandchild. Furthermore, I moved a mile down the road and have a crazy life trying to keep up with my job and 23 grandchildren. That being said, I am feeling blessed and wish blessings for you too.

God put a message on my heart that I want to share. This is Christmas season where we all focus on the baby Jesus, Christmas programs, gifts, dinners, parties....... At the same time, many disturbing things have been happening in the world: wars, famines, fires, floods, earthquakes, blizzards, plane crashes, martyrs dying for Jesus, lawlessness, and hatred and discontent. People are wondering why so many extreme and bizarre things keep occurring, and I see parallels from my Biblical readings and with everything that I have read recently and wanted to share the message.

Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision. For the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision. Joel 3:14

I believe that God is using these events to get our attention and give everyone a chance to choose before He comes back again. 

At that time the people will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26. 

Even the social climate has polarized, giving everyone a chance to choose between this world and the next, a battle for morality. Those of you who don't know Him have a chance to receive Him while those who are already Christians can choose to love and serve Him with all your heart.

Do not fear; you have done all this wickedness; yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside; for then you will go after empty things which cannot profit or deliver for they are nothing. 1 Samuel 12:20, 21

This season, we are celebrating the first time Jesus came to earth as a baby, which is wonderful! But there are too many empty things that we choose in our daily life that will profit nothing! And, He will come again soon. When that day comes, I pray we will all be ready rather than found following empty things.

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government will be upon His shoulders; and He shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

I choose to love and serve Jesus with all my heart. I pray you will join me.

In His love,
Barbara

Faith Over Fear

When your mom has been healthy all her life and she starts feeling badly and you tell her to go to the doctor and she finally goes to the ER in a bigger city after months of local doctors not helping, you don't expect to hear words like “cancer” and “stage-four” and “incurable.” Especially when she's been seeing medical professionals locally for the past three months and has repeatedly been given prescriptions for antibiotics to treat simple infections. While the medicine hadn’t been working, you don’t expect to go from “simple infection” to “incurable cancer” in a matter of months.

However, that was the news we received this week, and we are still in shock and experiencing many emotions. My emotions are rolling around like a nightmarish rollercoaster where they are knocking into each other and tumbling over and over again and there's nowhere to go and there's no end in sight: disbelief, anger, sadness, a sense of unfairness, heartache, fear. So much fear.

Plus, I am the only one not in Missouri right now, and I feel so helpless and powerless and alone.

When we were waiting for test results last weekend, before we had heard the C-word, I was at a church retreat and heard a Bible verse that spoke to me. It felt as if God was saying to trust, that everything would work out, that my mom has a lot more living to do. Then, the worship team started singing, “Do it Again” by Elevation Worship, and I held onto these words from the song:

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

Since then, we have received some of the results and Mom had an outpatient surgery that is helping her start to feel better. Now we're still waiting for more tests and more results. Waiting is so difficult, not knowing is so difficult, worrying and wondering is so difficult, and all of it can create fear.

We have already had so much loss in the past few years, and I don't see how… I don't accept another one. Sometimes it feels like anytime life is starting to feel free or good again something horrible happens in my personal life. That brings fear that things will never be okay.

Fear—it all comes back to this word, this feeling. Worry, stress, anxiety, fear. How much of my life have I given to this? How much will I continue to give?

More and more, I'm learning to lean into God and turn it all over to Him. To rest in His words and His promises and to be comforted by songs of His love and His healing and His amazing strength that we have if we just accept. In “RecklessLove,” Cory Asbury sings of how God loves us so much that He “leaves the ninety-nine” (John 3:16) to chase after us with His “overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love” and claims:

There’s no shadow You won’t light up

Mountain You won’t climb up

Coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down Coming after me

In “Our God,” Chris Tomlin sings that “Our God is Healer, awesome in power” (Exodus 15:26), and in “StrongEnough,” Matthew West sings about how we “can do all things through Christ who gives” us strength (Philippians 4:13).

This morning, I found a quote in my Facebook memories that affirms what I have been pondering this week: “Feed your faith and fear will starve to death.” ~Les Brown

Fear or faith. Do we choose fear or faith? The Bible says if we have the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains (Matthew 17:20). I choose faith that God can do anything, that God can do the impossible, that God is the Healer. I choose faith. God told me that Joy comes in the morning and that prayers are answered (Psalm 30). I choose faith. Jesus said that if we ask, it will be given (Matthew 7:7). I ask that God heal my mom. I pray that God cures my mom.  I believe that God can heal my mom, that He can give her complete healing, that she is already healed. In Mark 5:34, “Jesus said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering’.”

Also, I submit the situation to God. In Psalm 147: 3-5, it says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.” I know that He heals and I know that His understanding is beyond me and I know that I trust him, that my faith will be rewarded. If it is God’s Will to heal her as I choose to focus on, I'm even more blessed. However, if what I believe and have faith in does not come to pass, if it is God’s Will to take her home sooner than I want, then I will have spent the remaining time with my mom in a positive frame of mind. A mind of faith, mind of belief, mind of hope, mind of peace. I choose living in faith, hope, peace, love.

I choose faith.

Every day, every morning, every moment, I have a choice. From now on, I choose faith.

Faith & Peace

I am confident in what I hope for and have assurance in what I do not see. Hebrews 11:1

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ. Romans 10:17

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:7-11

Just as Jesus stood in the boat and spoke to the storm, I too can stand in the midst of the storms in my life and rebuke the winds and the waves to command calmness in my life. My faith overrides all my fears. Matthew 8:26

I activate my mustard seed of faith and say to this mountain of sickness and disease in my life, “Be removed and go to another place.” Nothing will be impossible to me. Matthew 17:20

Because You have anointed me, I have faith and do not doubt that I can speak to any illness, curse it at the root, and cause it to dry up and die, just as You did to the fig tree. I also know that if I tell to this mountain of sickness that is in my way to move and be cast into the sea, it shall be done. Matthew 21:21

That your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 1 John 5:14

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

So the Lord said, “If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” Luke 17:6

“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.” John 14:12-14

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Though an army besieges me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. Psalm 27:3

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

God’s Love

How precious is your unfailing love, O God! Psalm 36:7

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. Psalm 6:2

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. Isaiah 49:16

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1 John 3:1

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Healing & Safety

“I am the Lord, your healer.” Exodus 15:26

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. Psalm 30:2

Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:10-11

The Lord protects and preserves them— they are counted among the blessed in the land - he does not give them over to the desire of their foes. The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness. Psalm 41:2-3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion. Psalm 103:2-4

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Psalm 107:19-21

I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of our Lord. Psalm 118:17

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:3-5

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

‘I have seen what they do, but I will heal them anyway! I will lead them. I will comfort those who mourn, bringing words of praise to their lips. May they have abundant peace, both near and far,' says the Lord, who heals them. Isaiah 57:18-19

You will restore me to health and let me live. Isaiah 38:16

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Isaiah 58:8

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise. Jeremiah 17:14

For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.  Jeremiah 30:17

You have redeemed my life. Lamentations 3:58

Jesus said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

And He laid His hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. Luke 13:13

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Come close to God, and God will come close to you. James 4:8

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. James 5:14-15

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Psalm30 The Blessedness of Answered Prayer

I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
² O Lord my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
³ O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

⁴ Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.

⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
“I shall never be moved.”
⁷ Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
You hid Your face, and I was troubled.

⁸ I cried out to You, O Lord;
And to the Lord I made supplication:
⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
¹⁰ Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;
Lord, be my helper!”

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 23 The Lord the Shepherd of His People

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Psalm 91 Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

91 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

4 He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,

Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,

Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,

And ten thousand at your right hand;

But it shall not come near you.

8 Only with your eyes shall you look,

And see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

10 No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

12 In their hands they shall bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

A Thing of Beauty 2018

Dear UD,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Still missing you. Still miss talking to you. Still missing family parties at your place. It’s Apple Butter Day weekend, and you are not here. In fact, mom’s been ill so much lately, she didn’t even go. I’m still in Florida and busy with too many classes, and it’s crazy that my side of the family wasn’t even represented at Apple Butter Day this year.

Since I started writing you these letters three years ago, I’ve been telling you about the darkness falling in the world nowadays, the darkness in America that’s emerging again. I keep hoping that someday there will be a shift, and there won’t be that much evil to share.

2018 and migrant children are in cages in America.

October 2018 and, along with ten other victims, a 97-year-old woman was gunned down while worshipping in her synagogue. Here, in an American city. While she wasn't a Holocaust Survivor as first reported, she was alive during that terrible time, and she survived and grew and loved and lived until finally taken too soon by hate.

Uncle David, you said wherever we go, God is there. And I know He is. But sometimes when I read the headlines or scroll down my Facebook news, it’s hard to remember His love and goodness. I don’t see how people can be so horrible, hateful, horrid.

November is here again. Four years ago, I wrote that “a Thing of Beauty is combining gratitude with seeing things in a new way and with authenticity; it’s living in the moment and acknowledging what is (good and bad) and reinventing what life gives us.” And now, more than ever, we need to look for a Thing of Beauty. Something that we can reimagine as beautiful, an act of kindness, something we're thankful for. In the midst of the violence, the fighting, the political antics, and the hate that we are reminded of every day in the media, we must find the beauty, the wonder, the truth. And so this year, I will again express a Thing of Beauty, but I will also share a quote or poem to combat white supremacy and hate in all its forms.

“It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness, I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more. In the meantime, I must hold on to my ideals. Perhaps the day will come when I’ll be able to realize them!" Anne Frank

 “It’s difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.” Anne Frank

“I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” Anne Frank

If Anne could still see beauty while in hiding for two years, then I can find it too. Today and every day this month, I will search for beauty, love, kindness, gratitude, goodness…..

Love, Rach

Blessing Carly

          Carly Jean Crawford, daughter of Newton Ulysses Crawford III (aka Sonny), granddaughter of Barbara Ann Crawford and Newton Ulysses Crawford Jr. (Granny and Gaffer), great-granddaughter of Willa Juanita and Newton Ulysses Crawford Sr., sister of Newton Ulysses Crawford IV (aka Little Sonny), niece to multiple aunts and uncles, cousin to 20 plus first cousins, you come from a large family and a great heritage of growing up on a century farm. Like the generations before, you are creative, intelligent, athletic, beautiful, hardworking, and simply remarkable.

          We cherish our memories with you: playing spades (don’t bid glasses, no matter what your dad or Fred say!), planting seeds in the garden, decorating Christmas cookies, having fun at VBS, celebrating so many holidays and birthdays, watching your athletic games, listening to your concerts, hanging out at the river, canoeing on float trips, attending church services at Bado, swimming at Crawford camp, going to drive-in movies, ordering drinks from Sonic, morel mushroom hunting, eating homemade dinners, making kebobs for your dad to grill, and so many more.

          Even though you participated in numerous sports and academic activities, you are graduating in the top few of your class. From basketball, softball, and track to band, choir, and math/science club to homecoming queen during your sophomore year to student council, scholar bowl, and National Honor Society (and so much more), you led the way as a strong student and an outstanding young woman.

Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. 1 Timothy 4:12

Congratulation to the best person I know. Thanks for all you do. 
Love, Dad

The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and he adds no sorrow with it. Proverbs 10:22

Carly,

I have been blessed with the honor and privilege of sharing my life with yours. I have loved every minute that I have spent with you. I have enjoyed every game, concert, program, every meal we have had together, and even prom and homecoming dress shopping. Participating in your senior nights and going to Hunter’s games and bringing you home from your games have been very special memories that I will never forget. I am especially proud of all that you have accomplished through hard work and good choices. You are amazing!

I now pray that you will enjoy college and will find the purpose that God created for only you to fulfill. I love you very much! Love, Granny

For you are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that you should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Carly, You are an amazing young woman! Incredibly smart, adventurous, and extraordinary.  You have finally finished a huge chapter in your life. As you begin creating yourself as an adult, you will learn so many more things that will help you grow as a person. You are already such a lovely person, and I can't wait to see what you make of yourself next. I love you. Laina xoxo

We are all very proud of you and can't wait to see what you accomplish next. Love, Tom, Amanda, Brett, and Cale


Congratulations, Carly Barley, Car Bear, Maggie, Carl, Carly Bear, Buggy Bear, Cake E.  Love, Serena

Carly,

You truly are such an incredible person. I have watched you turn from the cutest, strong-willed, chubby-cheeked baby into a beautiful, strong, driven woman. You were faced with so many obstacles in life, and you overcame them all with a smile on your face and a heart for helping others. I have a deep admiration for your amazing strength in life and have loved watching you excel in sports, school, and in loving others through relationships. Continue this next journey with a smile on your face, a fire in your belly, and your heart full of love and you will do such amazing things. These are some verses that make me think of you:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25

God is within her, she will not fall. Psalm 46:5

By the grace of God, I am what I am.  
1 Corinthians 15:10

I truly believe that you mirror each of these verses in your life today, and going forward, you will continue to honor God in this way. I am so proud of you, and I believe in you more than you know. I can’t wait to see all of the amazing things you accomplish in life! I love you, Car Bear! Love, Jill

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You are standing at the beginning of your life as an adult; your whole future is ahead of you, and we can’t wait to see what amazing things you accomplish. As you step into your future, continue being kind and listening to your heart and trusting God. As you have done the past four years, continue playing hard and going for what you want. We believe in you, and we stand beside you, always.

Our prayers and love are with you as you journey into the next phase of your life. We are proud of you. We love you. We wish you blessings and a long life of joy, prosperity, and dreams coming true.

Love,

Your family

Road Trip

Dear UD,

Taking a road trip with you is better than all the travels in the world.

2006, Lexi and Laina, young girls, giggle in the backseat while you drive with me in the passenger seat.

Like the time when you taught 16-year-old me how to drive. Then, my siblings Sonny and Britt and Amanda sat in the backseat with me in the front passenger seat. Both then and now, we ride curves, glide up and down hills, traveling between the Crawford farm nestled in the Bible-belt of the Ozark Mountains and the Cunningham farm or your welcoming house, both near the greater Kansas City area.

Then, you offered driving tips, advice on how to drive, or how NOT to drive, as we later laughed about when, on that road trip, you missed the sharp turn sign indicating a 90 degree turn and plowed the rental car straight onto the gravel road, into the ditch, landing against the barbed wire fence. Luckily, everyone was fine, and we piled back into the car, driving the dented rental all the way.

Then, we talked bookshelves and jungle gyms (you built for the family), Chuckles (the bean bag throw game that Grandpa Bruce made and you delivered), family stories, garden harvest, and driving tips.

Now, we’re in your light blue 2006 Ford Taurus, sailing the curves and hills between family farms. On this road trip, we talk Broadway shows and musicals in between listening to the Wicked and Into the Woods original Broadway cast recordings. After each number, you pause the CD and interpret the lines for us, and we discuss characters and themes. I know in this moment that I will always remember these road trips with you, these discussions with you, these lessons and learning.

Years later, Lexi, Laina, and I saw Wicked off Broadway, and more years later, Pippin on Broadway. Throughout the years, we’ve watched the movie versions of various musicals from Oklahoma, Singing in the Rain, Holiday Inn, White Christmas, and Annie Get Your Gun to Grease, Hairspray, Billy Elliot, The Court Jester, Mamma Mia, Chicago, Jersey Boys, Newsies, Phantom of the Opera, to Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Mulan, Cinderella, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Aladdin, and Anastasia. And so on. Plus, we’ve attended local productions of shows such as The Man of La Mancha and Fiddler on the Roof.

On December 31^st, 2014, we decided to celebrate Lexi’s 20^th birthday at your house; this time the three of us took another road trip between family farms, and that evening, we went to the movies with you, Britt, and Sean to watch Into the Woods. What a thrill to see the story you shared with us so long before come to life on the big screen! Four months later, you left this world, so that was the last movie we would have a chance to see with you. I wish we could see more, but I’m glad the last one was a Broadway musical. And I’m glad that we played Broadway that night, the board game that you created, another memory, another connection.

Uncle David, without you, I doubt we would have our love of musicals and all things Broadway, and I am so grateful to you for teaching us, through musicals, about life and literature and living and loving.

2018, everyone’s talking about Hamilton, and remembering our road trips, I bought the original Broadway cast recording. It arrived this week and sits, unopened, on my dining room table. I am excited to listen to it and explore the story, and at the same time, I wish you were here to listen to it with me, interpret the lines, and tell me the story.

So many things you taught me, but you did not “Teach me how to say goodbye” (Alexander Hamilton, “The World Was Wide Enough”).

But what you did teach, I promise to pass on. This summer, I will take a road trip, play the Hamilton CD, and share it with someone else.

“Legacy. What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see”- Alexander Hamilton, “The World Was Wide Enough.”

UD, your legacy lives on in the lives of your loved ones, and we are all the richer for it.

Love, Rach

The World Is Too Much With Us

Dear UD,

Around 1802, William Wordsworth wrote “the world is too much with us” partly to express how overwhelming everything feels sometimes and partly in criticism of how the Industrial Revolution led people towards a life consumed with material things and work and away from nature and the spiritual life. How little could anyone imagine back then how he got it so right.

In the past couple of weeks, the Eastern Puma has become extinct, and the last Northern White male Rhino has died while giraffes have gone on the endangered species list. I can't imagine a world without these creatures in it.

On another level, in meetings and emails and news headlines and social media posts, I see hatred and violence and tyranny working its way through our country. It angers and frightens me.

Also, I keep reading or hearing about too many people dying suddenly for no reason too young. That is sad and scary.

And I'm grading research papers where too many college students do not know how to write a clear sentence or how to follow directions or how to think critically enough to write a focused thesis statement or how to slow down for a moment to get it right. It worries me for the next generation—not only the world we leave them but the lack of skills we leave them with.

Uncle David, it's your birthday month and almost exactly one month from the day I received the call three years ago, the call that you were gone from this world, the call that shattered my world. Three years and I still miss you so much. Sometimes the ache of the loss is too much. But that's personal. And selfish. Because I wouldn't want you to see this horrible world right now. But I still want you here, and I still need you and still miss you. Three years ago, yet in this moment the loss feels too fresh all over again.

So I start a letter because I want to tell you all about it. Because I know you were so full of love that you would still see some good in the world right now.

It's spring, and I remember that you would be outside hunting for buds and feeding birds and walking your dogs and delighting in spring bulbs and flowers.

I have a 12-hour day of classes and grading. But tomorrow, I promise to go outside and sit in nature for a little while. And I will gaze in wonder at the beauty around me. Let it fill me up so that I might go out with kindness and some joy and be a blessing to others, like you were to so many.

Love, Rach

Those Winter Nights

My personal world exploded in 2006, and I responded by going back to school. At that time, I felt shy, scared, and insecure, unsure of my writing abilities or who I was or how my near-future world would look. The first day of my MFA low-residency program, I went to my classes and returned to my dorm room, alone. Shortly after, at a reception for our program, one of my classmates invited me to the evening hangout. I said no at first, of course. After all, I was Rachel the mommy/wife/daughter, and those were the only parts of me I recalled. Who was Rachel the person? I didn’t know anymore.       

            Thankfully, Daniel persisted. “What, are you an old lady?” He challenged.

            The question stuck with me, and before I knew it, I found myself at the party, playing poker and hanging out with these strange and hilarious writers and writing teachers. Jack was part of this crew, and he along with the others listened to me, teased me, accepted me, challenged me, and helped me remember Rachel. Just Rachel.  

            They also read my writing and responded, providing needed feedback and affirmation. After three years in the program, I emerged a stronger, more confident writer and person, something I would need as I stepped into the future as a single mother of two and a college writing instructor.

I will never forget Jack or the others I met during this time of study, reflection, and writing. And I strive to always remember Just Rachel, even when all the roles I have press down on me.

Last night, I learned that Jack passed away suddenly. I am shocked, devastated, saddened. Over the past decade, I have remained Facebook friends with Jack and many of the others from the time working on my MFA degree. I value that connection. Jack always posted things that were inspiring or important. Kind and passionate, Jack was a light in the dark and a voice for those who needed one. He died too young. The world has lost one of the good ones, and I am heartbroken.

As I think about Jack and those long nights of fellowship and of how everything felt, I am reminded of a poem that I wrote then. Today, I write again, and tonight, I will drink a shot of tequila in memory of Jack and those winter nights.
          * I write this in tribute to Jack and in gratitude to him and all the others from my MFA program. 

These Winter Nights 

Tom Waits etches in the Days Inn hotel room in Murray, Kentucky,

each of the black, sleepless nights,

discussions of anything and everything

and nothing over poker chips and tequila. 

Of Chekhov and Blake and tired old affairs. 

Of clichés, childhood stories and orgasmic delight. 

Our tongues bloody, we revisit, rehash, reopen. 

We expand. 

Nothing too sacred, brilliant writing the exception. 

We create lyrics and jokes, strum banjos, guitars and mandolins,

blow kazoos in the Dunce corner

with our busy hands, cold feet, little ears and echoing laughter. 

We speak the language of the damned. 

Another gulp of gold beer, a crunch of Cheeze-its. 

"Boobs are the new ankle." 

We endearingly call ourselves, "Freaks!" 

I mean, "Artists."  "Freaks!"

First experiences for some,

"Fuck you, motherfucker, I've lost my laundry money."

We do nothing and everything. 

Present each moment. 

It is perfect. 

My mind stretches, vivid images color my dreams.

It's the witching hour, and I

EXPLODE!

Masks falling,

falling away.

I am naked and new, trembling, brimming with words. 

I am alive!

*“These Winter Nights” was first published in 2008 with Big Pulp.