Mothers Carry Love

Dear UD,

It’s May, the month of mothers, May flowers, and graduation celebrations.

“I remember all the flowers you picked for me for Mother’s Day,” Mom said when I stayed with her last December. I remember too. I see me at 14, walking the family farm, hiking the rivers, climbing the bluffs, clutching a fistful of Missouri wildflowers. Purples, yellows, whites galore, but on I walked, searching for the rare red ones to round out the bouquet. Every year until I married and moved away, I brought Mom a handful of colorful wildflowers.

The past two summers I stayed with Mom in July, and even then, I hunted for wildflowers to bring her. Wildflowers and rocks with holes in them. I just realized that I don’t know why rocks with holes were so special to her, but she collected them so we searched for them anytime we walked or swam the rivers.

And now there’s a hole in my life because she’s gone.

I never even contemplated a Mother’s Day without Mom. Incomprehensible. Inexplicable. Inconceivable. Completely and utterly unfathomable. Unimaginable. Unbelievable.

At least not this soon. Not this quickly. Not when she was only in her sixties.

Aidan is graduating this month, and his Granny won’t be there. An empty seat that should be filled. An empty place that once was filled. That only months ago would have been filled. A generation of grandkids who will miss her, some who may not remember her. Unthinkable. Unacceptable. Unbearable.

This week is rough, UD. I’m heartbroken. All the time. Everything reminds me. Makes me sad. Everything, everything, everything.

Mom is irreplaceable. Rare. Exceptional. She is loved and missed more than words can convey.

Moms are life; they give birth to new beings. Moms are selfless; they sacrifice for their offspring. Moms are home; they offer grounding, place,

and foundation.

It’s Mother’s Day, UD, and we’re motherless. Motherless, without a mom here on this earth. Motherless—no synonyms, substitutes, replacements for mothers. Motherless for the rest of our lives. How do we go on from here? You lost your mom, Grandma Bonnie, in your thirties. How did you do it? How did Mom?

But you had each other, and we had you both. It’s so lonely without you, without Mom. I miss her voice, her fresh garden vegetables, her smile, her cooking, her advice, her adventurous spirit, her welcoming and giving service to everyone. I miss her presence here on earth, knowing I could reach out and she would be there. Knowing I had someone on my side, always. Knowing I had a place to go, no matter what.

One of the most precious lessons I learned from Mom is this—to include and welcome everyone.
Mom never met a stranger, and her home was always open for those in need. Like a mother hen collecting chicks, Mom surrounded herself with those who needed. Always, she gave, fed, welcomed. Her love carried on her hands as she gave to others. Her love carried on her heart as she shared with others. Her love carried on her prayers as she remembered everyone.

And now, UD, even though we are motherless, heartbroken, devastated, and inconsolable, we must survive, remember, and band together. Through the tears and grief, remember Dad, you, Mom. Through the pain and sorrow, remember the moments we treasure. Through the anguish and loss, remember the lessons and love from you all. Together we stand stronger. Together we welcome others. Together we carry love on our hands, hearts, and prayers.

Love, Rach

PS: Thanks to my sister Jill Adams for some of these nature photos.

Blessing Carly

          Carly Jean Crawford, daughter of Newton Ulysses Crawford III (aka Sonny), granddaughter of Barbara Ann Crawford and Newton Ulysses Crawford Jr. (Granny and Gaffer), great-granddaughter of Willa Juanita and Newton Ulysses Crawford Sr., sister of Newton Ulysses Crawford IV (aka Little Sonny), niece to multiple aunts and uncles, cousin to 20 plus first cousins, you come from a large family and a great heritage of growing up on a century farm. Like the generations before, you are creative, intelligent, athletic, beautiful, hardworking, and simply remarkable.

          We cherish our memories with you: playing spades (don’t bid glasses, no matter what your dad or Fred say!), planting seeds in the garden, decorating Christmas cookies, having fun at VBS, celebrating so many holidays and birthdays, watching your athletic games, listening to your concerts, hanging out at the river, canoeing on float trips, attending church services at Bado, swimming at Crawford camp, going to drive-in movies, ordering drinks from Sonic, morel mushroom hunting, eating homemade dinners, making kebobs for your dad to grill, and so many more.

          Even though you participated in numerous sports and academic activities, you are graduating in the top few of your class. From basketball, softball, and track to band, choir, and math/science club to homecoming queen during your sophomore year to student council, scholar bowl, and National Honor Society (and so much more), you led the way as a strong student and an outstanding young woman.

Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. 1 Timothy 4:12

Congratulation to the best person I know. Thanks for all you do. 
Love, Dad

The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and he adds no sorrow with it. Proverbs 10:22

Carly,

I have been blessed with the honor and privilege of sharing my life with yours. I have loved every minute that I have spent with you. I have enjoyed every game, concert, program, every meal we have had together, and even prom and homecoming dress shopping. Participating in your senior nights and going to Hunter’s games and bringing you home from your games have been very special memories that I will never forget. I am especially proud of all that you have accomplished through hard work and good choices. You are amazing!

I now pray that you will enjoy college and will find the purpose that God created for only you to fulfill. I love you very much! Love, Granny

For you are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that you should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Carly, You are an amazing young woman! Incredibly smart, adventurous, and extraordinary.  You have finally finished a huge chapter in your life. As you begin creating yourself as an adult, you will learn so many more things that will help you grow as a person. You are already such a lovely person, and I can't wait to see what you make of yourself next. I love you. Laina xoxo

We are all very proud of you and can't wait to see what you accomplish next. Love, Tom, Amanda, Brett, and Cale


Congratulations, Carly Barley, Car Bear, Maggie, Carl, Carly Bear, Buggy Bear, Cake E.  Love, Serena

Carly,

You truly are such an incredible person. I have watched you turn from the cutest, strong-willed, chubby-cheeked baby into a beautiful, strong, driven woman. You were faced with so many obstacles in life, and you overcame them all with a smile on your face and a heart for helping others. I have a deep admiration for your amazing strength in life and have loved watching you excel in sports, school, and in loving others through relationships. Continue this next journey with a smile on your face, a fire in your belly, and your heart full of love and you will do such amazing things. These are some verses that make me think of you:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25

God is within her, she will not fall. Psalm 46:5

By the grace of God, I am what I am.  
1 Corinthians 15:10

I truly believe that you mirror each of these verses in your life today, and going forward, you will continue to honor God in this way. I am so proud of you, and I believe in you more than you know. I can’t wait to see all of the amazing things you accomplish in life! I love you, Car Bear! Love, Jill

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You are standing at the beginning of your life as an adult; your whole future is ahead of you, and we can’t wait to see what amazing things you accomplish. As you step into your future, continue being kind and listening to your heart and trusting God. As you have done the past four years, continue playing hard and going for what you want. We believe in you, and we stand beside you, always.

Our prayers and love are with you as you journey into the next phase of your life. We are proud of you. We love you. We wish you blessings and a long life of joy, prosperity, and dreams coming true.

Love,

Your family

Blessing Laina

Alaina Beth Johnson, daughter of Rachel, daughter of Barbara, daughter of Bonnie, daughter of Iva, and sister of Alexia Devin. Alaina Beth, you are of the Crawford - Cunningham Clans, the Johnson - Kellhofer families, and the Rineharts.

Laina, you are a daughter of the American Revolution. A daughter of the Native American Cherokee tribe. A daughter of inventors, leaders, homesteaders. You come from those who blaze their own path and those who fight for freedom, those who create and those who work the land, those who help others and those who teach, and those who heal and those who survive. Ultimately, you come from those who make things happen. 

A farm girl, beach girl, big city girl, you know how to navigate many worlds. Like the time when, barely 16, you followed me from Missouri to Florida, and then at 18, you drove alone from Florida up to the Smoky Mountains. Or when you trained as a gymnast for 25 hours a week at age ten. And, I remember when you were only 16 and we were visiting Lexi and you hopped off the subway train in New York City alone at dusk to shop and your cell phone died but you were able to find your way back to our lodging. You are fierce, fearless, resilient, and resourceful.

When I look at the headlines and statistics around this country and in this world today and see all the devastation to our planet, the dangers, and the problems that your generation faces, I cringe to think this is what we leave you.

Yes, the world might seem scary and dark sometimes, and you have already endured so much more than I wanted you to have to deal with--too much heartache, loss, and pain. At the same time, you have also already seen great kindness, compassion, and goodness from others for which I am grateful.

In the past two years alone, you have lived through four moves and too many losses, but through it all, you have stood on a strong foundation, a foundation built from the sphere of your family, friends, and ancestors, from the land that has been in our family for over one hundred years, and from God.

Through it all, you have remained pure and kind and good and light. Yes, dark and light both exist, but remember that light can chase away the dark. Shadow disappears when light shines on it.

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

James 1:12  

When you were a child, I thought that you were poetry in action, and now that you are a young woman I see a firecracker who was born during Fourth of July weekend, and I know that your heart and your creativity and your smarts and your talents will come together to do some good in this world. Sassy and full of fire, you are the light this world needs.

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12  

You've got this. Whether you follow your gifts or whether you follow your intellect or your beauty or all three, continue following your heart and you will leave an impact on your community and your country and your world, an impact that you have already started and that I'm so proud to see.

What we remember most, George Saunders said in a graduation speech at Syracuse University, are acts of kindness, so the most important thing is to be kind. I don't have to tell you this because you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. If the first rule is to be kind, then you have mastered it. I see the seeds of kindness in everything you do. I think of the time when your 9^th grade teacher lost his dog and you picked out a special card, wrote in it, and gave it to him. Or when you, a stranger in a new school for your senior year, befriended the newer new girl who had nowhere to sit and knew no one. Or when you rescued the kitten, befriended the dog, wanted to take in every lost animal.

“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” 

Psalm 20:4 

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Laina, there are so many things I can say that I like about you. To start, you have a genuinely good spirit. You are a caring, intelligent and nurturing person who is beautiful on the inside and out. I’m so proud of you for graduating high school. This is a big transition for you into adulthood, and you will have a lot of fun and freedom that comes with it as well as responsibilities and trials. But when the challenges come, remember to use them as motivation to keep going and grow from the experience. Let each challenge help you grow and become the person that you are meant to be. I know that God has a great plan for you and that He will help you grow into the amazing woman He designed you to be. I’m so glad that you are my sister, and I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else in the world.  I love you, Laina.   Love, Lexi

Alaina: simple meanings; Little Rock, beautiful, light, torch, bright.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9  

Characteristics of Alaina:  cooperative, considerate, compassionate, nurturing, sensitive, patient, loving, kind, gracious, balanced.

I am proud to say that you are a perfect embodiment of every one of those characteristics. I pray you will stay true to them and seek God's will for your life. I pray you will continue to be the bright light that you already are in this ever-darkening world where light is so desperately needed. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6  

I cherish every moment I was able to spend with you last semester. I pray you will be a force for good everywhere you go. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace. Love you, Granny

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6  

Graduation is just the beginning; let the Lord reveal his plan for your life by submitting to his Lordship.  Love and prayers, Uncle Bob

“Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.” Psalm 100:3-6  

Twice-Laine, Congratulations! Remember, sometimes all you can bid is glasses. Love, Fred (Uncle Sonny’s ghost-friend).

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Alaina, you are a blessed and beloved daughter of God. You are loved, you are wanted, you are wise, you are safe, and you are strong. Your family, your friends, and those who we lost too soon are with you. For instance, Grandma Johnson is watching over you, your special angel. Wherever you are, our hearts and love are with you. Wherever we are, your heart and love are with us. Our hearts and spirit are with you always.

It has been my honor and privilege to be your mother and to see you grow into this amazing, talented, kindhearted, bright, beautiful young woman.

And so with our blessing, we send you out into the world to work, to travel, to live, to love, to laugh.

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26  

Together, we offer you our blessing. Now, we watch you flip into the wide world waiting for you as you tumble into your future of beauty, kindness, creativity, peace, and love. Travel with God’s love, His presence, His Word, and His promises.

With all our prayers, blessing, love, and faith in you,

Your family

New Journeys

I stand with a friend, looking out the window at the beautiful beach scene. A dolphin fin flashes, and I smile. Life is good, and anytime I see a dolphin, I view it as a blessing of hope, freedom, promise. As I watch the dolphin play, a gigantic hand emerges from the ocean. I shake my head, but the hand remains. It reaches out and grabs the dolphin as a gigantic, monstrous head also emerges from the sea.

“This can’t be real. This cannot be real.” My friend continues her chant, disbelief running throughout her mind and body. How can a Greek myth be here right now in 2013? It doesn’t make sense, but as the huge mouth opens and the dolphin is thrust inside, we snap out of it.

“We have to hide,” I cry. I call for my girls and search for a place to hide.

My friend helps, but she says, “If it’s the end of the world, it’s better to be one of the first to die rather than fighting to survive and witnessing all of the death and destruction and loss.”

We both teach students to write about literature, and I think of “The Lottery” and of Ray Bradbury and Kurt Vonnegut’s stories. Is survival at any cost living? Is giving up living? Is it better to be a witness or a percentage or a fighter? Is the personal cost worth the freedom? Are we really living right now in 2013? Tornadoes, unemployment, hurricanes, war, school shootings, bizarre and strange stories…What is happening in our world today?

I set up a place for me and my girls to hide under a stairwell with blankets, water, and snacks. We settle in, and my friend goes to hide with others in a storm bunker. I want to shout and ask if we are hiding in the right place or if we should join them in the bunker, but I am terrified.

I wake up with the terror and fear lingering.

It’s not the first time that I have dreamt of mythological creatures rising out of the ocean nor of an Armageddon, and I usually dream of tornadoes when I am in emotional turmoil. Personally, I know what the dream means: it’s the question about whether to stay in Florida where I have made good friends and love living by the ocean or to move back to Missouri where I have family that I miss. It’s about the search for place and belonging, for safety and home.

Yet for all of us, the questions remain. What is going on in the world today, and where do we fit into what is happening?

Lexi graduated from high school this month, and she asked why I didn’t cry at graduation. I said, “Well, you’re still here.” She’s scheduled to go off to a performing arts school in NYC in October, and I’ve been trying not to think about that. However, on Tuesday, I sat down with Laina to write in the dates for her school activities this summer and next fall, and right there in October during the same week Lexi starts school in NY, Laina has an event scheduled.

That’s when it hit me. Lexi won’t be here to go with us to that event or the ones following. I still haven’t cried about it, but I’ve felt down, depressed.

Following my divorce, we created a close-knit family of three, and that is changing. Change is good, but it’s also difficult. Lexi will always be part of our family and have a place with us, yet now is the time for her to go off and have adventures and new experiences of her own. I hope that I’ve helped her develop confidence and a sense of herself and her place in this world, and I wish her a fun, crazy, fulfilling ride on her new journey.

Yet, yet, yet…as Laina has wailed, “What will we do without Lexi here?!”

She will leave behind a void in our home, a void in our hearts, a void in our happiness.

I know we will all be okay, but again questions remain.  Who will make us laugh after Lexi leaves?  How will we fit into our new lifestyle? What will our daily life look like then? And, where do we belong?

I don’t have any of the answers right now, but that’s okay. As Rumi says, live the questions. Besides, endings are really new beginnings, and so our new journeys begin…

Blessing Lexi

 

Alexia Devin Johnson, daughter of Rachel, daughter of Barbara, daughter of Bonnie, daughter of Iva.  Alexia Devin, sister of Laina and daughter of Matthew, son of Doris and Clifford. Lexi, you have come from a long line of hard workers, innovators, and leaders.

Some of your ancestors have worked the land while others have educated future generations. Some have helped heal while others have helped govern. Still others have followed various artistic pursuits. Together, we leave you an example of people who make things happen. Together, we grace you with good genes and strong intellect. Together, we offer you our blessing.
Granny shared Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

She said, “I pray The Lord will bless you with a spirit of wisdom and knowledge and the desire to seek Him with all your heart!! I love you!”

          Grandma and Grandpa Johnson wrote, “Lexi you are a beautiful person, both inside and out.  You have accomplished a great deal in the last year academically.  But more importantly you have grown spiritually.  You are a good sister to Alaina and a great help to your mom. Our prayer for you as you begin a new adventure in the study of dance is to keep God close to your heart.  Make the Bible a part of your daily reading.  It will provide you with wisdom and guidance. Love you, Grandpa & Grandma Johnson”

They shared these Bible verses:

          "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

          “Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be."  Philippians 2:5

          "With God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

          "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

          "Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything.  Ephesians 5:19-20

Matthew wrote, “To my Beloved Daughter: may you know the joy of your authentic self and remain forever true to your highest ideal of who you are. I love you always without fail and am so proud to be your father. May you know joy, love, and be awed by the life you lead. I love you! Dad.”

Laina said, “Lexi, you are amazing, talented, beautiful, confident, worthy, and you are my role model. Your strong relationship with God and your confidence and worth all make me want to be like you every day. I don’t know how I will make it without you those first few months when you go to New York, but I know you will be amazing there.  I love you.”

ALEXIA DEVIN JOHNSON:

10 Things I Know To Be True

by Alaina Beth Johnson

1.                  Lexi, you are my sister, and you are beautiful. You are tall and athletic with dark brown hair that has waves like the ocean. You have the deepest brown eyes with a hint of green on the outer circle.

2.                  You are amazing and talented. Dancing is your talent, and you are the most amazing dancer I have ever seen. Dancing is natural to you, and you dance with grace, flow, technique, sharpness, poise, and life. When you dance, you tell a story that speaks through your body.

3.                  You are my best friend. You have been there for all of my firsts. From the first time I did gymnastics to the first time I went to school in sixth grade to the first time I ate at Chipotle in Viera.

4.                  You are always there for me, and I can talk to you about anything. You have been there for me for every time something hurt us. I always have you to talk to when something terrible happens.

5.                  You have had to take on some parental responsibilities for me...You are always there for me in love and caring, being there for me whenever I needed you, and when I didn’t.

6.                  You build me up. You always say nice things to me. You build my spirit and complement me on beauty, which is also complementing yourself since I look so much like you. You somehow know just what to say; when I am sad, you make me laugh.

7.                  You are a strong role model, and I look up to you. From every time I have asked to borrow your clothes to every time I want to be just like you because you are so amazing and confident, you shine like the brightest star in the sky; you have a glow that no one else does, and you have this amazingly strong relationship with God. Sometimes I wonder, when you move out, how on earth am I supposed to be so amazing and strong, so able to hold myself and someone else up? I look up to you more than anyone else.

8.                  You are hilarious and always make me laugh. You do the funniest things when you are not trying to be funny at all; like when I am taking a drink of water and you are jumping on our trampoline dancing to Gangman Style, and you hit your hand on the ceiling and make me spit my water out everywhere. You always make me laugh; even when I am depressed and don’t want you to be funny, you still somehow make me laugh until my lungs hurt and I am out of breath.

9.                  You are crazy. You may be crazy, but whenever we are home and it is just us, you are the craziest, weirdest, funniest, loudest, freakiest person I know. You are so hilarious with how crazy you are that you make me crazy and weird and freaky. You make me crazier and crazier every day, and I love it.

10.               I love you, Lexi, and appreciate you and all you have done for me.

 

I want to share with you Jeremiah 17:7-8.  “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.”
God blessed me when I became your mom, and I love you so much!
Matthew 5:3-12

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Lexi, you are a blessed and beloved daughter of God. You are loved; you are wanted; you are safe; you are wise. Wherever you are, our hearts and love are with you. Wherever we are, your heart and love is with us. Our hearts and spirit are with you always.

Remember that you are doing a “great work” like Nehemiah and “cannot come down” from that great work. With who you are and the way you live your life and the way you love Jesus, you are such an inspiration to others. Stay true to who you are and continue attacking life with all of your heart and passion. Be courageous and fearless.

Lexi, you are an amazing, intelligent, talented, authentic young woman who is full of beauty, life, love, and fun. It has been our privilege to journey with you as you have grown from a baby to a young adult, and it has been my privilege and joy to be your mother along the way. We look forward to watching you grow on your new journey. Dance into your future with our blessing, our love, and our faith in you. Laugh, love, and live in your heart. Travel with God’s love, His presence, His Word, and His promises.

With all our love and prayers,

Your family