I wanted more
of a fresh start for the New Year, but as usually happens in life, some of the
old junk from the old year is already snipping at me. I did everything I could think of to leave it
behind.
On Winter
Solstice, Lexi, Laina, and I wrote down all of the negative things from 2012,
shared them, and then burned the paper, clearing out the old, making room for
the new. Then, we wrote down all of the
positive things from 2012 and shared them with each other. We were happy to note more positive than
negative, and it was surprising that much of the negative had turned into a
positive.
I made
New Year’s Resolutions…in a way. What I
did was to set long term goals for the end of 2013 and create a list of seven
simple actions I want to take every day this year that will lead towards those
goals. So far this year, I’ve completed all
of those actions every day. :)
I’ve also
prayed for help, and I applied for around 100 full-time jobs during 2012 (and
have already applied for one this year!) and took all of the classes and sub work I
could get. Yes, most of the old junk that
is snapping at me has to do with wanting a full-time job with decent pay and
benefits , with financial issues, stability, and all of the worry and anxiety
those things bring.
In 2012,
many people helped us, and I really appreciate that. God came through for us, and I have to keep
believing that He will and trusting.
At the
same time, it’s so frustrating to always be the one who needs help and to not
have the stability that I want for my life and my girls.
It’s
great that I get a winter break with my kids.
I love it. Though I spend a vast majority of it doing prep work for the
next semester, there is still time for the holidays, including Lexi’s birthday,
and hanging with family and friends.
What’s not so cool about it is that I don’t receive a paycheck the first
three weeks of January. That is scary
and so difficult.
Right
now, I have enough money to fill my gas tank.
After that, I do not know what I will do. I don’t know how I will buy groceries for my
children or how I will pay my bills.
Last
January, my ex helped by paying some past-due child support, so we made it
through. This January, he says he’ll pay
regular child support “when he can,” which means that I may not even be able to
pay rent on time this month. It is so
stressful and frustrating to not pay bills on time, to not have money for
groceries.
On top of
that, I am already several thousand dollars behind because of having less classes
last year (I won’t even mention my student loans). And, I am worried about having so many older
items. My car needs work, my laptop is
hanging on by a thread, and our phones sometimes choose not to work. I want to get ahead, not continue struggling
to make ends meet, so it’s time to make changes.
I’ve
already cut out going to the movies; last semester, we only went to the theater
during a holiday break as a treat. We
rarely eat out anymore. I’ve turned down
hanging out with friends anytime it cost money, even gas money. I’m learning to say “No” more often and
prioritize. Now maybe I will have to cancel
cable, but I cannot cut internet as I work online. Perhaps we should move into a cheaper condo
with less bedrooms, though I love living here and love that I feel my girls are
safe in this area and love that we each have our own room, our own space. For now I only have to find a way to make it
through the next three weeks, but I don’t know what will happen as prices
continue to increase much faster than our incomes. I know some relatives and friends who have moved back in with their parents and others are still searching for jobs and for answers.
Possibly
I will have to go to a food bank to get groceries, but I do not want to. I feel like such a failure if I have to take
that step. It’s the tug of war between
how I think society/others will view me, how I see myself, and how God perceives
me. The push and pull between the
reality of the bank statement versus visualizing something better for the
future. The juxtaposition between the
current economy and my education/resume/experience. The contrast between the
opportunities/experiences I want my children to have versus the reality of being
a single mom.
I
remember my sister telling me about volunteering at a soup kitchen during her
graduate work and the revelations that brought her. A few years before that, her husband had an aneurism,
several brain surgeries, and although he survived, he was hospitalized for a
long time and on medication. She
realized that, if she hadn’t had family and friends to support her through that
experience, she could easily have been on the other side of the serving table
at the soup kitchen. There but by the grace of God go I.
All of my
devotions this week have been about trusting God, relying on Him, and I am
trying to do so. Focus on Him and what I
do have. Focus on the choices I can make. For instance, I have enough money, gas, and
food for today. I have enough for this
weekend. The three of us are healthy and
have a nice place to live. In fact, right
this moment, I have an abundant, blessed life, and all is well.
