Those Winter Nights

My personal world exploded in 2006, and I responded by going back to school. At that time, I felt shy, scared, and insecure, unsure of my writing abilities or who I was or how my near-future world would look. The first day of my MFA low-residency program, I went to my classes and returned to my dorm room, alone. Shortly after, at a reception for our program, one of my classmates invited me to the evening hangout. I said no at first, of course. After all, I was Rachel the mommy/wife/daughter, and those were the only parts of me I recalled. Who was Rachel the person? I didn’t know anymore.       

            Thankfully, Daniel persisted. “What, are you an old lady?” He challenged.

            The question stuck with me, and before I knew it, I found myself at the party, playing poker and hanging out with these strange and hilarious writers and writing teachers. Jack was part of this crew, and he along with the others listened to me, teased me, accepted me, challenged me, and helped me remember Rachel. Just Rachel.  

            They also read my writing and responded, providing needed feedback and affirmation. After three years in the program, I emerged a stronger, more confident writer and person, something I would need as I stepped into the future as a single mother of two and a college writing instructor.

I will never forget Jack or the others I met during this time of study, reflection, and writing. And I strive to always remember Just Rachel, even when all the roles I have press down on me.

Last night, I learned that Jack passed away suddenly. I am shocked, devastated, saddened. Over the past decade, I have remained Facebook friends with Jack and many of the others from the time working on my MFA degree. I value that connection. Jack always posted things that were inspiring or important. Kind and passionate, Jack was a light in the dark and a voice for those who needed one. He died too young. The world has lost one of the good ones, and I am heartbroken.

As I think about Jack and those long nights of fellowship and of how everything felt, I am reminded of a poem that I wrote then. Today, I write again, and tonight, I will drink a shot of tequila in memory of Jack and those winter nights.
          * I write this in tribute to Jack and in gratitude to him and all the others from my MFA program. 

These Winter Nights 

Tom Waits etches in the Days Inn hotel room in Murray, Kentucky,

each of the black, sleepless nights,

discussions of anything and everything

and nothing over poker chips and tequila. 

Of Chekhov and Blake and tired old affairs. 

Of clichés, childhood stories and orgasmic delight. 

Our tongues bloody, we revisit, rehash, reopen. 

We expand. 

Nothing too sacred, brilliant writing the exception. 

We create lyrics and jokes, strum banjos, guitars and mandolins,

blow kazoos in the Dunce corner

with our busy hands, cold feet, little ears and echoing laughter. 

We speak the language of the damned. 

Another gulp of gold beer, a crunch of Cheeze-its. 

"Boobs are the new ankle." 

We endearingly call ourselves, "Freaks!" 

I mean, "Artists."  "Freaks!"

First experiences for some,

"Fuck you, motherfucker, I've lost my laundry money."

We do nothing and everything. 

Present each moment. 

It is perfect. 

My mind stretches, vivid images color my dreams.

It's the witching hour, and I

EXPLODE!

Masks falling,

falling away.

I am naked and new, trembling, brimming with words. 

I am alive!

*“These Winter Nights” was first published in 2008 with Big Pulp. 

Blessing Laina

Alaina Beth Johnson, daughter of Rachel, daughter of Barbara, daughter of Bonnie, daughter of Iva, and sister of Alexia Devin. Alaina Beth, you are of the Crawford - Cunningham Clans, the Johnson - Kellhofer families, and the Rineharts.

Laina, you are a daughter of the American Revolution. A daughter of the Native American Cherokee tribe. A daughter of inventors, leaders, homesteaders. You come from those who blaze their own path and those who fight for freedom, those who create and those who work the land, those who help others and those who teach, and those who heal and those who survive. Ultimately, you come from those who make things happen. 

A farm girl, beach girl, big city girl, you know how to navigate many worlds. Like the time when, barely 16, you followed me from Missouri to Florida, and then at 18, you drove alone from Florida up to the Smoky Mountains. Or when you trained as a gymnast for 25 hours a week at age ten. And, I remember when you were only 16 and we were visiting Lexi and you hopped off the subway train in New York City alone at dusk to shop and your cell phone died but you were able to find your way back to our lodging. You are fierce, fearless, resilient, and resourceful.

When I look at the headlines and statistics around this country and in this world today and see all the devastation to our planet, the dangers, and the problems that your generation faces, I cringe to think this is what we leave you.

Yes, the world might seem scary and dark sometimes, and you have already endured so much more than I wanted you to have to deal with--too much heartache, loss, and pain. At the same time, you have also already seen great kindness, compassion, and goodness from others for which I am grateful.

In the past two years alone, you have lived through four moves and too many losses, but through it all, you have stood on a strong foundation, a foundation built from the sphere of your family, friends, and ancestors, from the land that has been in our family for over one hundred years, and from God.

Through it all, you have remained pure and kind and good and light. Yes, dark and light both exist, but remember that light can chase away the dark. Shadow disappears when light shines on it.

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

James 1:12  

When you were a child, I thought that you were poetry in action, and now that you are a young woman I see a firecracker who was born during Fourth of July weekend, and I know that your heart and your creativity and your smarts and your talents will come together to do some good in this world. Sassy and full of fire, you are the light this world needs.

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12  

You've got this. Whether you follow your gifts or whether you follow your intellect or your beauty or all three, continue following your heart and you will leave an impact on your community and your country and your world, an impact that you have already started and that I'm so proud to see.

What we remember most, George Saunders said in a graduation speech at Syracuse University, are acts of kindness, so the most important thing is to be kind. I don't have to tell you this because you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. If the first rule is to be kind, then you have mastered it. I see the seeds of kindness in everything you do. I think of the time when your 9^th grade teacher lost his dog and you picked out a special card, wrote in it, and gave it to him. Or when you, a stranger in a new school for your senior year, befriended the newer new girl who had nowhere to sit and knew no one. Or when you rescued the kitten, befriended the dog, wanted to take in every lost animal.

“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” 

Psalm 20:4 

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Laina, there are so many things I can say that I like about you. To start, you have a genuinely good spirit. You are a caring, intelligent and nurturing person who is beautiful on the inside and out. I’m so proud of you for graduating high school. This is a big transition for you into adulthood, and you will have a lot of fun and freedom that comes with it as well as responsibilities and trials. But when the challenges come, remember to use them as motivation to keep going and grow from the experience. Let each challenge help you grow and become the person that you are meant to be. I know that God has a great plan for you and that He will help you grow into the amazing woman He designed you to be. I’m so glad that you are my sister, and I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else in the world.  I love you, Laina.   Love, Lexi

Alaina: simple meanings; Little Rock, beautiful, light, torch, bright.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9  

Characteristics of Alaina:  cooperative, considerate, compassionate, nurturing, sensitive, patient, loving, kind, gracious, balanced.

I am proud to say that you are a perfect embodiment of every one of those characteristics. I pray you will stay true to them and seek God's will for your life. I pray you will continue to be the bright light that you already are in this ever-darkening world where light is so desperately needed. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6  

I cherish every moment I was able to spend with you last semester. I pray you will be a force for good everywhere you go. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace. Love you, Granny

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6  

Graduation is just the beginning; let the Lord reveal his plan for your life by submitting to his Lordship.  Love and prayers, Uncle Bob

“Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.” Psalm 100:3-6  

Twice-Laine, Congratulations! Remember, sometimes all you can bid is glasses. Love, Fred (Uncle Sonny’s ghost-friend).

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Alaina, you are a blessed and beloved daughter of God. You are loved, you are wanted, you are wise, you are safe, and you are strong. Your family, your friends, and those who we lost too soon are with you. For instance, Grandma Johnson is watching over you, your special angel. Wherever you are, our hearts and love are with you. Wherever we are, your heart and love are with us. Our hearts and spirit are with you always.

It has been my honor and privilege to be your mother and to see you grow into this amazing, talented, kindhearted, bright, beautiful young woman.

And so with our blessing, we send you out into the world to work, to travel, to live, to love, to laugh.

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26  

Together, we offer you our blessing. Now, we watch you flip into the wide world waiting for you as you tumble into your future of beauty, kindness, creativity, peace, and love. Travel with God’s love, His presence, His Word, and His promises.

With all our prayers, blessing, love, and faith in you,

Your family

Smart Fun

"Wobble"

          I’ve taught my daughters to have smart fun (at least I hope so!). Case in point: Lexi’s sweet 16 birthday party. Over 50 people attended her party, which was held at a friend’s house in a sleepy neighborhood along a golf course in Suntree, and the teens called it the best party of the year with some saying it was the best party they’d ever been to. They danced, talked, ate, and played games all evening. No drugs, no alcohol, and no smoking. Just good, clean fun! The DJ, Lexi’s dance instructor, was also a police officer, so the party had built-in protection.
          As one of the few adult chaperones, I watched everyone and discovered an interesting phenomenon: many of the public high school students who came to the party (Lexi’s friends from dance) didn’t appear to enjoy the party as much as everyone else for two reasons that I could see. First, they were way too self-conscious, too worried about what everyone else would think and how everyone else might judge them. Not that the homeschooled teens didn’t have doubts, but that they felt comfortable or confident enough to push through those doubts and enjoy the evening. Secondly, many of public school teens arrived partnered up. They brought their boyfriends, and then sat in the corner on their boyfriends’ laps, watching everyone else have fun.
          An important life lesson: you don’t need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to go to a party and have a good time. In fact, you might have more fun going with friends and letting loose.
          This particular party ended at midnight, and just before the witching hour, a cop knocked on the door to make sure that all was well. Luckily, we had the DJ/cop angle to smooth things over, and we were ending the party anyway so everything worked out. It’s not a party until someone calls the cops, the teens joked, but they learned that if you are having clean fun and if you respect those around you, nothing bad happens when the cop shows up.

When we moved to Brevard County over four years ago, Lexi was a homeschooled teenager, and I didn’t want her to miss out on the social aspects of high school like the school dances. So, I worked with another mom, and we put together some homeschool dances. Again, 50 teens, dancing, talking, eating, playing games, having so much fun! Once we had a DJ (same wonderful one) and other times we used a playlist. Whatever we did, the teens had a blast. Lexi began attending the public high school dances for her junior and senior years, and she agrees with the others who said that the dances we threw were much better; however, she is glad that she attended the public school dances for the experience. After all, we never forget our prom nights.

Lexi just told me last night that I would be happy to hear that she stayed in and didn’t go out with her friends. Darling daughter, you missed the entire point of smart fun. I want you to go out with friends, to explore the city, to travel the world. I want you to be adventurous and try new things. Always.

A couple of years ago, I didn’t feel like the girls and I were communicating well regarding hanging out with friends; they thought that I didn’t want them to go out with friends, and I thought that they were being disrespectful. I believed this was an extremely important issue to communicate with them because the friends we choose colors everything else in our lives. So another life lesson: choose good friends! Be very picky about who you hang out with. As the saying goes, we become like the five people we hang out with the most. And, I like how a family friend puts it: YOU are valuable, and the most treasured thing that you have to give is YOU and your time. So, choose wisely. As a mom, I worry, and as a mom in this crazy world, I really worry, and as a single mom, I worry even more. So, I typed up a “contract” that we all agreed on and printed off copies for each of us. Here it is:

Going out with Friends Respectful Boundaries

1.     I WANT you to have time with friends, to hang out with friends, to have fun with friends.

2.    I TRUST you!!! You are amazing, and you will make good choices. Any mistakes you make you will learn from.

3.    It is imperative that you COMMUNICATE with me in a respectful way. Be polite and respectful in your tone and text messages. Please ask before inviting friends over here and before making plans with friends (check the family calendar, etc.). Text me who you are with and where you are because that helps me to not worry. Be home by midnight unless we have agreed on an earlier or later time for some reason.

4.    It is important that FAMILY comes first, including YOU. That means that you do your homework and chores, your RESPONSIBILITIES, BEFORE hanging out with friends. That also means that you incorporate FAMILY time every week or weekend. This is also about having BALANCE in your life.

5.    RESPECT yourself and your own boundaries. Be YOU because you are BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, INTELLIGENT, TALENTED, and simply WONDERFUL!!

Now I want to reiterate another important life lesson for my daughters: have fun in a smart way! In fact, I review the smart rules with them anytime I drop them off somewhere (county fair, mall, beach, party, etc.), and yes, I also share these rules with their friends. Now that Lexi is going to college in New York City, I review them with her over the phone. If she calls and asks my input, “Mom, should I go out and do X?” Hell, yeah! And, remember the smart rules.

1. Have good, clean fun (which means nothing illegal; for instance, no alcohol, drugs, or smoking). Once you turn 21, enjoy a glass of wine or a bottle of beer if you like, but don’t get wasted. Confession time: I’ve never been drunk. Tipsy, yes. Plastered, no. It’s interesting because anytime any group of friends hears that the first thing they say is that they want to get me drunk (and this includes any church groups I’ve been part of). Even as an adult, I’ve been pressured to give in and get bombed, but you know what, I don’t need to. I honestly believe that I can have fun, a better time even, when sober. Sure, I enjoy having a drink every once in a while; it’s relaxing and lowers inhibitions, but I still know who I am, what I believe, what I am doing, and why I am doing it. Plus, I won’t be the one sick and hung over the next morning, wasting that fresh day.

 2. Stay safe (which means to only go places with friends you can trust, always stay with your group, don’t even go to the bathroom alone, never take drinks from anyone, and never set your drink down unattended and then drink out of it).

3. Stay healthy (which means to take care of yourself on a regular basis, get enough sleep on a weekly basis, eat healthy overall, take good vitamins, etc.). The important thing is what you do most of the time; set a strong foundation for yourself and your world.

4. Always remember who you are and what you believe in. I am a woman of worth and strength and integrity. Say it! Remind yourself every day. When you operate from that truth, then you will try new things and live a courageous and incredible life; however, you will not be swayed by peer pressure or societal expectations or anything other than the truth that you stand on. Along with that comes trusting your instincts.

But whatever you do, be bold, live, and have smart fun! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn [her] back on life.”

A friend mentioned that I should share the “smart fun” idea with others through my blog, hence this post. J Do you do something similar with your teens or have other similar ideas that work well? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Ten Things I Know For Sure

          (This post was written last Friday and was inspired by this video).

1.  Sam is happy.  Tom has sent me updates via text—chases around the house, two-mile runs every morning, games of fetch.  Sam sleeping on the floor beside Tom’s bed, Tom working from home all week to be with Sam and train him to stay and walk without pulling on the leash, Sam snagging his own burger chopped up in his dog food, Tom describing Sam as spunky, sweet, smart.  When I asked Tom if his mother liked Sam, he texted, “Yes, of course.  How can you not.”  Such simple words yet so true.  Tom continued to ask how we were doing and said, “He shows love…that’s what you all gave him.”

2.  The cats are more content because they are roaming freely and getting more attention.  While curious about Sam, his size made them anxious.  Every time he moved, they jumped, and they spent lots of time watching him, waiting to see what he would do next.  Now, they spend more time purring.

   3.  Thorin needs a good home.  See numbers four through six:  4.  We are all three too tired, too busy, and too far behind.  5.  Dog vomit and diarrhea is all over the carpet in our condo.  6.  I want to cry right now. 

Thorin was fine at first, enjoying his new status as king of the castle and loving the extra attention.  Then, we left him home alone while at work and school, and he hated it.  Also, he snuck some cat food.  I don’t know if he’s missing Sam, mad about being left alone, upset from cat food, or simply sick, but Thorin has had an uneasy stomach for two days, pooping and vomiting all over the house no matter how many times we take him out. His illness started on Wed night, and everything disintegrated into threats and tears and complaints.  Staying up until after midnight and getting up at seven for school and work is not working for us.  Having this extra responsibility is not working for us.  The girls not having time and energy to get all of their homework done is not working.  We are all over-committed and overwhelmed and over-exhausted.  Not a good combination. 

A homeschooling friend and her son stayed with Thorin on Thursday, which was so great of them.  I hate to think that, otherwise, he would have been locked in the kennel, sitting in his vomit and diarrhea all day…alone.  Our friends took care of him and kept him company until I got home from work. 

Then, I had to rush out to pick up Lexi and take her to dance, so I wrapped Thorin in a blanket and brought him with me.  We walked some and sat at the park along the Indian River while Lexi danced for three hours.  Laina was at a basketball game with friends, and we all met back home afterwards. 

Today, the girls are at school, and I’m home alone with Thorin and his illness.  I’ve cleaned the messes, but the carpet needs a deep cleaning. This afternoon we pick Sam up, and I want to see him while I am also stressed about having the added responsibility again.  I am already so far behind.  I just want to cry. 

My uncle mentioned that it might be confusing for Sam to bring him back into our home, so I called and talked to Tom about it.  I want whatever’s best for Sam and don’t want to interfere with his bonding with his new family. Tom thinks it will be fine for us to continue being part of Sam’s life if we are all consistent. 

My uncle also mentioned that we don’t have a “sphere” in our life for Thorin right now, and it’s true.  We are trying to completely readjust the life we’d built here, and it’s not really fair to any of us (dogs, cats, and humans).  But, as we continue searching for a solution, it is our life for now.

7.  This too shall pass.  Yes, but can the situation please be resolved soon?!  I want to catch up and not feel so overwhelmed.  I want my time back.  I want my freedom back.  I want my girls back (healthy rather than overly tired and stressed).  I want my space back.  I want my peace back.

8.  We are beginning to accept that Sam has a new home.  As I point out to the girls, Sam’s new adventure parallels Lexi’s upcoming new adventure.  Lexi graduates next May and this time next year will be studying in college or dancing on a cruise ship.  She will move out and start a new phase in her life, and eventually (many years down the road!) she will join another family.  All of that will be hard and sad for those of us left at home, but it is the natural order of things and will lead to new opportunities and blessings for Lexi.  In the same way, Sam is venturing out into a new sphere, one where he will be happy and one where he will be a blessing to others.  While I am sad for our loss, I am happy for Sam and his new family.  I am thrilled that we found a solution where we can stay in contact with him and where he will be a blessing to others. 

While it felt empty that first night without Sam, things have started to settle into a more tranquil routine again, and I know we’ve made the right decision.  Sam will always be part of my life, and I will always love him.  That will never change.  Because I want what’s best for him, I am letting him go, and I am at peace about it.  While not 100% with me, the girls are more at ease with the transition and also want what’s best for him.

9.  Although Autumn is here, it’s still too hot in Florida to have a non-working air-conditioner in the car.  We’ve made it all summer without it, and in the cooler mornings I forget.  Then, I get in the car after work, and it is still suffocating.

10.  Despite my mental to-do-list, I am taking time for my writer’s workshop meeting at Squid Lips this afternoon.

Falling out of Hate

I longed to attend the weekly women’s Bible study Wednesday morning, so I took the dogs on a long walk, shut Sam in the bathroom with a rawhide bone, put Thorin in the kennel with some chew toys, grabbed my book, wallet, and water, and left the house.  I hoped they would behave for an hour and a half.  The second I heard the click of the door behind me, I realized that I’d left my keys inside on the cabinet.  I couldn’t decide if I wanted to swear or cry, so I prayed instead as I walked to the office.  Within ten minutes, I opened the door to my condo, and Thorin trotted up to greet me, so proud of his escape.  Rather than throw a tantrum (or toss him out the door), I decided to experiment.  Well, that and pray for the protection of my property.

Leaving Thorin out and Sam in the bathroom, I drove to church and, arriving late, joined the third session.  It was such a blessing to hear all of the praises, see God working in everyone’s lives, share my story, discuss Nehemiah, and listen to Kelly Minter’s inspiring video.  Afterwards, one sweet woman handed me a hundred dollar bill and another provided a bag of cat food and another of cat litter.  In the past week, gifts have been given to every living being in our condo; no one left out. I feel so fortunate as well as awestruck at the overwhelming generosity of those around me. 

I offered gratitude and prayers all the way home.  When I arrived, everything was intact; like Daniel in the lion’s den, my things were protected while at church.  The lesson, the sharing, the people, the gifts…all of it fueled my soul, and I felt content and overflowing with love.

If I hadn’t gone through the recent conflicts with two best friends and if I hadn’t lost and gained classes (two incidents that were stressful and complicated at the time), I wouldn’t have had the time nor the push to join a women’s group at church.  In the back of my mind, I wanted to, but it wasn’t a priority until those other two things occurred.  So, I remind myself to find the gifts and opportunities in challenges as well as blessings.

I recently read a book (Lisa Scottoline’s Come Home) where the main character realizes that she needs to “fall out of hate” with her ex, and those words knocked me off my feet.  That is the next step in my divorce recovery process.  The hate keeps me connected to him and only hurts me and our daughters.  So, I’ve been praying for God to help me “fall out of hate” with my ex.  Only this morning did I realize that the dog situation is part of that. 

Just last week the dogs came down here, and my uncle, cousins, and sister rescued the rest of my belongings (15 years worth of living that were moved into the garage of the new house my ex rented when I left three years ago).  Both of those links between us are now severed, which is a step in the right direction, but I am still working on falling out of hate.

Accepting the dogs here is an added responsibility that reminds me of taking on too much responsibility in the past.  In fact, having the dogs here is forcing me to revisit and re-examine the past and throw more of it off my shoulders and away.  As I clear out the “rubble” and let go, I am allowing God to help me and making room for something new, different, better in my life.