Ten Things I Know For Sure

          (This post was written last Friday and was inspired by this video).

1.  Sam is happy.  Tom has sent me updates via text—chases around the house, two-mile runs every morning, games of fetch.  Sam sleeping on the floor beside Tom’s bed, Tom working from home all week to be with Sam and train him to stay and walk without pulling on the leash, Sam snagging his own burger chopped up in his dog food, Tom describing Sam as spunky, sweet, smart.  When I asked Tom if his mother liked Sam, he texted, “Yes, of course.  How can you not.”  Such simple words yet so true.  Tom continued to ask how we were doing and said, “He shows love…that’s what you all gave him.”

2.  The cats are more content because they are roaming freely and getting more attention.  While curious about Sam, his size made them anxious.  Every time he moved, they jumped, and they spent lots of time watching him, waiting to see what he would do next.  Now, they spend more time purring.

   3.  Thorin needs a good home.  See numbers four through six:  4.  We are all three too tired, too busy, and too far behind.  5.  Dog vomit and diarrhea is all over the carpet in our condo.  6.  I want to cry right now. 

Thorin was fine at first, enjoying his new status as king of the castle and loving the extra attention.  Then, we left him home alone while at work and school, and he hated it.  Also, he snuck some cat food.  I don’t know if he’s missing Sam, mad about being left alone, upset from cat food, or simply sick, but Thorin has had an uneasy stomach for two days, pooping and vomiting all over the house no matter how many times we take him out. His illness started on Wed night, and everything disintegrated into threats and tears and complaints.  Staying up until after midnight and getting up at seven for school and work is not working for us.  Having this extra responsibility is not working for us.  The girls not having time and energy to get all of their homework done is not working.  We are all over-committed and overwhelmed and over-exhausted.  Not a good combination. 

A homeschooling friend and her son stayed with Thorin on Thursday, which was so great of them.  I hate to think that, otherwise, he would have been locked in the kennel, sitting in his vomit and diarrhea all day…alone.  Our friends took care of him and kept him company until I got home from work. 

Then, I had to rush out to pick up Lexi and take her to dance, so I wrapped Thorin in a blanket and brought him with me.  We walked some and sat at the park along the Indian River while Lexi danced for three hours.  Laina was at a basketball game with friends, and we all met back home afterwards. 

Today, the girls are at school, and I’m home alone with Thorin and his illness.  I’ve cleaned the messes, but the carpet needs a deep cleaning. This afternoon we pick Sam up, and I want to see him while I am also stressed about having the added responsibility again.  I am already so far behind.  I just want to cry. 

My uncle mentioned that it might be confusing for Sam to bring him back into our home, so I called and talked to Tom about it.  I want whatever’s best for Sam and don’t want to interfere with his bonding with his new family. Tom thinks it will be fine for us to continue being part of Sam’s life if we are all consistent. 

My uncle also mentioned that we don’t have a “sphere” in our life for Thorin right now, and it’s true.  We are trying to completely readjust the life we’d built here, and it’s not really fair to any of us (dogs, cats, and humans).  But, as we continue searching for a solution, it is our life for now.

7.  This too shall pass.  Yes, but can the situation please be resolved soon?!  I want to catch up and not feel so overwhelmed.  I want my time back.  I want my freedom back.  I want my girls back (healthy rather than overly tired and stressed).  I want my space back.  I want my peace back.

8.  We are beginning to accept that Sam has a new home.  As I point out to the girls, Sam’s new adventure parallels Lexi’s upcoming new adventure.  Lexi graduates next May and this time next year will be studying in college or dancing on a cruise ship.  She will move out and start a new phase in her life, and eventually (many years down the road!) she will join another family.  All of that will be hard and sad for those of us left at home, but it is the natural order of things and will lead to new opportunities and blessings for Lexi.  In the same way, Sam is venturing out into a new sphere, one where he will be happy and one where he will be a blessing to others.  While I am sad for our loss, I am happy for Sam and his new family.  I am thrilled that we found a solution where we can stay in contact with him and where he will be a blessing to others. 

While it felt empty that first night without Sam, things have started to settle into a more tranquil routine again, and I know we’ve made the right decision.  Sam will always be part of my life, and I will always love him.  That will never change.  Because I want what’s best for him, I am letting him go, and I am at peace about it.  While not 100% with me, the girls are more at ease with the transition and also want what’s best for him.

9.  Although Autumn is here, it’s still too hot in Florida to have a non-working air-conditioner in the car.  We’ve made it all summer without it, and in the cooler mornings I forget.  Then, I get in the car after work, and it is still suffocating.

10.  Despite my mental to-do-list, I am taking time for my writer’s workshop meeting at Squid Lips this afternoon.

Fries with that Order?!

          I’m a Sonic waitress on roller skates, balancing a heavily-laden food tray on each hand and one on my head, and now another tray, an important and full tray, has been thrown at me.  I’m juggling the trays, scrambling around on shaky legs, and trying with everything in me to keep them from crashing down around me.

          I am a single mom.

          The dogs have been with us for a week now, and it has been a week of contrasts:  the events of the week have been at times long and stressful and at the other times heartwarming; I have felt heartsick during some moments yet so full of gratitude and hope during other moments; and the dogs are adorable, precious, and loveable yet so energetic, expensive, and naughty.  Two cats, two dogs, two kids, one condo with no backyard, and one parent.  You do the math. 

          On Sunday afternoon, we loaded girls and dogs into the car and drove to a friend’s house to walk her dog while she’s out of town.  Her offer was well-intentioned as she thought it would be a great time for our dogs to run around; however, as her backyard isn’t fenced in, it was a complete fiasco.  Her dog snipped at Sam and Thorin when they tried to sniff him, so we had to walk them all separately.  Sam and Thorin jerked on their leashes, dashing this way and that way, sniffing everywhere, barking at a tortoise, straining to escape and run free. 

As soon as possible, we loaded everyone up again, and I drove the girls to High Tide, the youth service at our church.  Sam and Thorin hopped out the door, wanting to follow the girls into church, and it took five minutes to force them back into the van. 

I brought the dogs back home and finally took a quick, ten-minute shower.  Ten minutes of peace for the day. Thorin peed in the hallway in protest.  The dogs are as bad as when the girls were toddlers and I couldn’t even escape to the bathroom for five minutes without being needed.

I subbed on Monday, and the girls hung out with the dogs since it was a teacher workday (no school for them).  That afternoon, the girls hung out with friends while I kept the dogs company.  I ran Lexi to work that evening and met a wonderful friend who brought us boxes and bags of groceries.  I won’t have to go to the grocery store for a week!  When the girls saw the food, they were happy.  When they saw the vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, and they said, “I love her.  I’m making a special thank you card.  I love her.”

All day, we tried and failed to find a solution but couldn’t find a long-term solution (still waiting to hear back from a few possibilities) or even a short-term answer for the next day when I had work while the girls had school.  We could not leave the dogs home alone as they bust out of kennels and either pee in the house (Thorin) and/or destroy property (Sam).  Not to mention the poor cats are still angry about being locked up, even though we have given them a bigger room and spent time with them.  (We’ve introduced the cats and dogs to each other a few times, and we all have scratches to prove it.  Not yet a viable option to leave the cats and dogs home together.)

Either way, we knew we could not leave the dogs home alone for eight hours, and we couldn’t find a pet-sitter.  With no other choice, one of the girls would have to stay home with them for a day.

That evening, we were all exhausted, sore, overwhelmed, frustrated, and low on emotional and physical resources.  We walked the dogs again before bed, and the evening disintegrated into chaos as we tried to figure out what to do.  Lexi snapped at Laina who snapped back.  I yelled at them both.  Laina, the one who we decided had to stay home, cried.  Then, she whined at Lexi who flung back a sarcastic retort.  I pleaded for peace. Our verbal swords flung back and forth in a never-ending circle until I realized that we hadn’t fought like this in a very long time and I didn’t like going backwards like that. 

Throughout, Laina’s mantra resounded, “I have to go to school tomorrow.  I can’t take this.  I have to go to school.  I can’t take this anymore.  It’s too much responsibility in the condo.  I have to go to school.”

It took some time, but I finally corralled the girls into sitting down together, and after working through some of the issues, we gave thanks for all of our blessings and prayed for a solution.

I hated leaving Laina home with the dogs.  She was able to get ahead with school work, but I know she wants to be with her teachers and friends. To complicate matters, I received a text from my ex:  I understand you kept Laina home from school today.  Why?

 I thought that question deserved no response, so I did not send one.  Rather than share all of my not-so-polite thoughts about the matter, I am trying to find my center, to remain calm, to breathe through all of this, but to be honest, I am finding it difficult.  As I wrote those words, I remembered reading about Nehemiah this week and all of the opposition against him.  When his opponents asked him for a meeting in an attempt to divert him from his purpose, he refused to meet them and remained steadfast.  When they wrote a letter full of lies about him to distract him from his purpose, he refused to be averted and remained steadfast.  When they sent someone to tempt and discredit him, he recognized the malevolent intent, refused to be swayed, and remained steadfast in what he knew was right and what he needed to do and continued praying.  He guarded himself and succeeded in the end.

I am encouraged by his example.  It is so easy to listen to lies, manipulations, and gossip and to become wrapped up in it.  Sometimes we want to fit in, so we participate in something that we know isn’t right.  Other times, we listen to warped perspectives and become defensive, wasting too much time and energy on trying to straighten them out when there is no need, which leads to anxiety and feeling insane (This I know well from personal experience).  Often it appears difficult to recognize malicious intent, but we can learn to do so when we focus on our purpose and do not allow ourselves to become sidetracked.  All we need to do is remain steadfast and pray, and, thus, guard ourselves.  The truth will always be revealed eventually.  This lesson speaks to the heart of what I needed to hear.  I am learning to let go of defensive behaviors, to recognize manipulation, and to concentrate on what’s next on my path.