End Result versus Process

         

        Donald Trump was elected as the next president of the United States of America earlier this week, and in the past two days, I have seen many reactions ranging anywhere from fear and shock to delight to sadness. From mourning to gloating to protesting. More than ever, Americans are divided and the extreme ends appear to be pulling even further apart. I, too, have had many emotions this week, and underneath it all, something kept nagging at me. I mean I was both stunned yet not when Trump won the election because I have feared that our country was headed towards something like this. After all, it was a rough election year, and too many people expressed frustration and hatred towards the political world to which Clinton belongs. Furthermore, more and more people popped up with racist and sexist rhetoric or actions this year. A country controlled by a police state and/or a religious right, that is what I have worried about. And, I’m not talking about being concerned about a country that loves God, but about a country that hates God or that abuses His name. For instance, check out these novels: It Can’t Happen Here by Sinclair Lewis, The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, 1984 by George Orwell, or The Hunger Game series. And read this entire essay along with all of its links. 

          In the past two days, many of those on the “winning” side have been telling the country to get over it and move on, despite those who threw temper tantrums (and even spouted racist rhetoric over the past eight years). We just need some time to mourn. Also, we ask that those who voted for Trump attempt to understand our concerns (see above paragraph for some of mine). I know people who voted for Trump, and I understand why they thought they needed to even if I don’t agree with them; I ask for the same consideration from them. 

In the past two days, I have seen those on the “losing” side split into two camps. One camp consists of those who are protesting and/or throwing a fit. Peaceful protest is a right in this country and taking positive action is something that should be happening; however, violent protests, riots, destruction of property, and hateful words are not acceptable. For instance, check out this list of organizations. Find a positive way to create action and change through civic engagement and responsible citizenship. The other camp is inspiring, and many of my friends are in this camp. They are mourning, yes, but they are also calling for positive action, calling for our country to come together, calling for us to use our talents/words/creativity to express ourselves. I applaud them and am proud to call them friend.

Donald Trump is the president elect, and as Americans, we must either honor this fact or find non-violent ways to protest it. Either way, something else has been bothering me for the past two days. What concerns me is this: What lesson have we taught our children from this election? What lesson are we saying is just fine and dandy for our country, for America, and thus, for the world?

First let’s consider the absolute best scenario in the situation we have in front of us. In fact, many have called for everyone to come together and work with Donald Trump, so let’s say we do so. Trump was elected as the next president, and let’s say he takes office with everyone’s support and in the end our fears are unfounded. Trump becomes a wonderful president and does amazing things and in reality Makes America Great Again. Let’s say that happens. Yes, you say. I’d be happy with that, you think. Wait a minute…you are forgetting a very important point. Even if that happens, Trump should not have been elected because of his actions and words!!!!

If I ranted and raved and publicly spouted racist and sexist comments for months, mocked a disabled person, dishonored a veteran, and so on, I would never be hired by a college in the United States again. I just wouldn’t. In fact, I would lose whatever teaching jobs I currently hold. What about you?! Imagine that you did and said the same things that Trump has done and said over the past year. How would your work life be looking?!

A lesson this election result teaches is that the end justifies the means.

Might makes right.

In fact, I have heard people say that Trump was doing those things in order to get attention in order to market himself and win votes. Whether he did so because that’s what he believes or as a publicity stunt doesn’t matter. The fact is that he did them.

And, as I have been reminded recently, many believe that Clinton has done some terrible things too, but that misses my point. It’s true that no human being is perfect, but this goes beyond that and into reprehensible words and actions in full view of the public. Maybe we need a complete overhaul of the process of running for, voting for, becoming president (though we should carefully consider that and research why our Founding Fathers set up the electoral college the way they did before we move to revamp it)? Or perhaps what we need is better options to choose from?

Regardless, let's consider these questions:

Do we teach our children that the end result is all that matters?! That it’s okay to cheat as long as they get an A in the class or win the game? That it’s okay to plagiarize someone else’s work as long as they get a good grade? That it’s okay to make fun of someone if it will help them be class president? That it’s okay to kick the kitten or puppy or to bully others if it will help them be popular in school? 
To the contrary. I have watched friends and family raise their kids, and I know that many of you teach your children similar ideas that I teach my daughters: to work hard, to do their best, to take responsibility for their words and actions, to be compassionate and kind, to support/build rather than compete/tear down, and to be the change they want to see in this world. 

Furthermore, I teach process in college composition classes, and the students hate it. They hate that we spend weeks writing and revising and editing the same essay, but it’s that process that teaches them so much and that helps them end up with not only a stronger paper but also pride in the fact that they did it!

It’s process and practice that helps anyone be good at anything.

I don’t want the world I live in to be one where might makes right and where the end result is all that matters. And that is one of the reasons that I have been upset about the results of this election.

I wrote the above and left to go to meet my family to watch my nieces and nephews sing in their Fall Program. And, I returned home feeling better because I was reminded of unity and community in our daily lives. I saw a town come together: we stood and sang the national anthem with the children, and we applauded veterans from all branches for their service. At the end, the children sang lyrics that brought tears to my eyes and that reminded me of what’s important now. First graders of Houston, Missouri sang, “United we stand, divided we fall,” and they poured their hearts into it. Tonight reminds me of the importance of discourse and community and of the significance of the things we are doing in our daily lives such as how we raise our children and the values we instill in them. Tonight leaves me with hope for our families, hope for our communities, hope for our country.

God bless America, land that I love.

Once Upon a Time

 Last week, I talked about “real change,” and it’s absolutely time for that in my life.  Over the weekend, I made those lists, looked at my calendar/schedule, and had some heart-to-heart conversations with my girls.  

First thing on the list to de-stress my life is finding a home for Thorin, a place where he will be happy, so I emailed the Australian Terrier rescue.  Same as with Sam, we believe his happiness will only be with someone who actively desires his specific breed and will spend time with him and treat him as part of the family.  On the website, I read reassuring words from Darlene Evans, the President of ATR:  “Rescue is done with the heart.  Sometimes in rescue there are difficult decisions that have to be made, but they are offset by the happy look of an Aussie as he is going off to his new and final home. That is what rescue is all about.”  That is what we want for Thorin.  Within two days, a woman from Georgia called to ask about Thorin and passed his info along, cautioning me that it could be difficult to find someone to take a dog so old. 

By Wed, a woman contacted me who wants to adopt Thorin!  She has had Aussies in the past and loves them and now has a tiny Yorkie, so Thorin will have a pal to hang out with.  The dogs are not left alone more than a few hours at a time and even go on vacation with her and her husband.  They live close to Orlando and would be happy to send us updates and photos of a happy Thorin, and we could even visit him.  This weekend, we will take Thorin to their home and see if it works out.

A huge weight of relief fell off of my shoulders after that phone conversation.  Again, we do not have to say a forever goodbye, which is such a blessing, as this decision is difficult to make.  At times, I wonder if we could work it out somehow.  Thorin, such a sweetheart, follows me around like a little shadow, and we have fallen into a semi-workable routine this week.  When we take him on longer walks, he is less likely to mess in the house, and he still adores car rides with us.  However, it is an added expense, an extra responsibility, and it takes so much time from our already over-busy schedule.  Some days, things appear to flow more smoothly, and it works out.  Other days, it is a real struggle to find time to walk Thorin in the morning or rush back to him after church or work.  Bottom line is that it’s too much right now, and it’s not fair to him to be locked up several days a week.   

Yet I am sad to think of saying any sort of goodbye to Thorin this weekend.  He has been part of our family for eleven years, and we are giving him to another family, which hurts.  At the same time, I realized this week that Lexi was right from the very beginning when she said that God was using the situation with the dogs to help us work through and release some things from our past. 

Once upon a time, we were a family of six (two adults, two kids, two dogs).  In the meantime, divorce, life, circumstances changed our family, breaking it into two separate ones.  It has taken time, but those separate families are healing, learning, evolving, and growing stronger.  Seeing the dogs and having them here in our new life where they don’t really fit anymore has helped us accept the past and our new paths.  Being part of their recovery and healing has brought fresh healing for us.  Saying goodbye to our dogs has allowed us to release the past and some of our expectations of the future.  Finding them new homes where they will thrive shows us our chance to thrive.  We are all going in separate, new directions, but it is good.  And they all lived happily ever after with their new families.

Falling out of Hate

I longed to attend the weekly women’s Bible study Wednesday morning, so I took the dogs on a long walk, shut Sam in the bathroom with a rawhide bone, put Thorin in the kennel with some chew toys, grabbed my book, wallet, and water, and left the house.  I hoped they would behave for an hour and a half.  The second I heard the click of the door behind me, I realized that I’d left my keys inside on the cabinet.  I couldn’t decide if I wanted to swear or cry, so I prayed instead as I walked to the office.  Within ten minutes, I opened the door to my condo, and Thorin trotted up to greet me, so proud of his escape.  Rather than throw a tantrum (or toss him out the door), I decided to experiment.  Well, that and pray for the protection of my property.

Leaving Thorin out and Sam in the bathroom, I drove to church and, arriving late, joined the third session.  It was such a blessing to hear all of the praises, see God working in everyone’s lives, share my story, discuss Nehemiah, and listen to Kelly Minter’s inspiring video.  Afterwards, one sweet woman handed me a hundred dollar bill and another provided a bag of cat food and another of cat litter.  In the past week, gifts have been given to every living being in our condo; no one left out. I feel so fortunate as well as awestruck at the overwhelming generosity of those around me. 

I offered gratitude and prayers all the way home.  When I arrived, everything was intact; like Daniel in the lion’s den, my things were protected while at church.  The lesson, the sharing, the people, the gifts…all of it fueled my soul, and I felt content and overflowing with love.

If I hadn’t gone through the recent conflicts with two best friends and if I hadn’t lost and gained classes (two incidents that were stressful and complicated at the time), I wouldn’t have had the time nor the push to join a women’s group at church.  In the back of my mind, I wanted to, but it wasn’t a priority until those other two things occurred.  So, I remind myself to find the gifts and opportunities in challenges as well as blessings.

I recently read a book (Lisa Scottoline’s Come Home) where the main character realizes that she needs to “fall out of hate” with her ex, and those words knocked me off my feet.  That is the next step in my divorce recovery process.  The hate keeps me connected to him and only hurts me and our daughters.  So, I’ve been praying for God to help me “fall out of hate” with my ex.  Only this morning did I realize that the dog situation is part of that. 

Just last week the dogs came down here, and my uncle, cousins, and sister rescued the rest of my belongings (15 years worth of living that were moved into the garage of the new house my ex rented when I left three years ago).  Both of those links between us are now severed, which is a step in the right direction, but I am still working on falling out of hate.

Accepting the dogs here is an added responsibility that reminds me of taking on too much responsibility in the past.  In fact, having the dogs here is forcing me to revisit and re-examine the past and throw more of it off my shoulders and away.  As I clear out the “rubble” and let go, I am allowing God to help me and making room for something new, different, better in my life.

Sam & Thorin

          

          Lexi spent most of Saturday on the phone and computer, trying to save our dogs.  That evening and the next morning, her pale face and teary eyes cast a shadow of sadness while my chest felt tight from the looming deadline over us.  Laina would not even consider that the dogs might really be taken to the pound. 

          One vague idea came to me Sunday morning, so after church, I logged onto Craigslist, which has been very beneficial and kind to us over the years.  For instance, right before we left Kansas City, I treated myself to a professional camera, something I’d always wanted, that I found for a decent price on Craigslist and that I delight in using. Then, I found house-shares on Craigslist when we first arrived in Florida, while I was finishing my MFA.  Luckily, the house-shares worked out safely.  In fact, they were with people who taught me more about myself.  Since then, we’ve found and sold various items on Craigslist, so I thought maybe it was worth a try. 

Within five minutes, I found a ride-share with a woman willing to bring the dogs with her from Lebanon, Missouri this week.  My ex agreed to drive the dogs to her the next day and pay half of the fee.  I didn't know how I would pay the other half, yet when we finally brought in the mail that afternoon, I had an unexpected check from a Good Samaritan for the exact amount needed. 

Sam and Thorin are on the way to Florida and arrive Wednesday at noon!!

Lexi’s face lit up when she found out, and she hugged me.  “Thank you for rescuing them!  I was waiting for you to help.  I knew you would make it happen once you took the responsibility.  You make things happen, and I knew it.” 

Likewise, Laina hugged me and echoed Lexi’s words, “Thanks, Mom.  I knew they wouldn’t go to the pound.”

I feel conflicted about their words.  On the one hand, I am so glad that my girls see me as a woman who makes things happen.  Yes!  I want them to know that they can make things happen, too.  I want them to know that they are powerful and capable.  On the other hand, I do not want them to learn to take on too much responsibility and to take on other people’s responsibility.  I do not want them to think that that is okay.

Regardless, I am so grateful that Sam and Thorin are saved, and I can’t wait to see them.  Thank you all for your prayers and help.

At the same time, I am scared about what will happen when they arrive at our small condo that already holds our two cats.  We are not currently in a position to have two dogs, especially an energetic lab, in our condo.  But I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed our pets to be taken to the pound.  God placed it on my heart to look on Craigslist, and it worked out so quickly that I have to trust that the rest will work out too.