Smart Fun

"Wobble"

          I’ve taught my daughters to have smart fun (at least I hope so!). Case in point: Lexi’s sweet 16 birthday party. Over 50 people attended her party, which was held at a friend’s house in a sleepy neighborhood along a golf course in Suntree, and the teens called it the best party of the year with some saying it was the best party they’d ever been to. They danced, talked, ate, and played games all evening. No drugs, no alcohol, and no smoking. Just good, clean fun! The DJ, Lexi’s dance instructor, was also a police officer, so the party had built-in protection.
          As one of the few adult chaperones, I watched everyone and discovered an interesting phenomenon: many of the public high school students who came to the party (Lexi’s friends from dance) didn’t appear to enjoy the party as much as everyone else for two reasons that I could see. First, they were way too self-conscious, too worried about what everyone else would think and how everyone else might judge them. Not that the homeschooled teens didn’t have doubts, but that they felt comfortable or confident enough to push through those doubts and enjoy the evening. Secondly, many of public school teens arrived partnered up. They brought their boyfriends, and then sat in the corner on their boyfriends’ laps, watching everyone else have fun.
          An important life lesson: you don’t need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to go to a party and have a good time. In fact, you might have more fun going with friends and letting loose.
          This particular party ended at midnight, and just before the witching hour, a cop knocked on the door to make sure that all was well. Luckily, we had the DJ/cop angle to smooth things over, and we were ending the party anyway so everything worked out. It’s not a party until someone calls the cops, the teens joked, but they learned that if you are having clean fun and if you respect those around you, nothing bad happens when the cop shows up.

When we moved to Brevard County over four years ago, Lexi was a homeschooled teenager, and I didn’t want her to miss out on the social aspects of high school like the school dances. So, I worked with another mom, and we put together some homeschool dances. Again, 50 teens, dancing, talking, eating, playing games, having so much fun! Once we had a DJ (same wonderful one) and other times we used a playlist. Whatever we did, the teens had a blast. Lexi began attending the public high school dances for her junior and senior years, and she agrees with the others who said that the dances we threw were much better; however, she is glad that she attended the public school dances for the experience. After all, we never forget our prom nights.

Lexi just told me last night that I would be happy to hear that she stayed in and didn’t go out with her friends. Darling daughter, you missed the entire point of smart fun. I want you to go out with friends, to explore the city, to travel the world. I want you to be adventurous and try new things. Always.

A couple of years ago, I didn’t feel like the girls and I were communicating well regarding hanging out with friends; they thought that I didn’t want them to go out with friends, and I thought that they were being disrespectful. I believed this was an extremely important issue to communicate with them because the friends we choose colors everything else in our lives. So another life lesson: choose good friends! Be very picky about who you hang out with. As the saying goes, we become like the five people we hang out with the most. And, I like how a family friend puts it: YOU are valuable, and the most treasured thing that you have to give is YOU and your time. So, choose wisely. As a mom, I worry, and as a mom in this crazy world, I really worry, and as a single mom, I worry even more. So, I typed up a “contract” that we all agreed on and printed off copies for each of us. Here it is:

Going out with Friends Respectful Boundaries

1.     I WANT you to have time with friends, to hang out with friends, to have fun with friends.

2.    I TRUST you!!! You are amazing, and you will make good choices. Any mistakes you make you will learn from.

3.    It is imperative that you COMMUNICATE with me in a respectful way. Be polite and respectful in your tone and text messages. Please ask before inviting friends over here and before making plans with friends (check the family calendar, etc.). Text me who you are with and where you are because that helps me to not worry. Be home by midnight unless we have agreed on an earlier or later time for some reason.

4.    It is important that FAMILY comes first, including YOU. That means that you do your homework and chores, your RESPONSIBILITIES, BEFORE hanging out with friends. That also means that you incorporate FAMILY time every week or weekend. This is also about having BALANCE in your life.

5.    RESPECT yourself and your own boundaries. Be YOU because you are BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, INTELLIGENT, TALENTED, and simply WONDERFUL!!

Now I want to reiterate another important life lesson for my daughters: have fun in a smart way! In fact, I review the smart rules with them anytime I drop them off somewhere (county fair, mall, beach, party, etc.), and yes, I also share these rules with their friends. Now that Lexi is going to college in New York City, I review them with her over the phone. If she calls and asks my input, “Mom, should I go out and do X?” Hell, yeah! And, remember the smart rules.

1. Have good, clean fun (which means nothing illegal; for instance, no alcohol, drugs, or smoking). Once you turn 21, enjoy a glass of wine or a bottle of beer if you like, but don’t get wasted. Confession time: I’ve never been drunk. Tipsy, yes. Plastered, no. It’s interesting because anytime any group of friends hears that the first thing they say is that they want to get me drunk (and this includes any church groups I’ve been part of). Even as an adult, I’ve been pressured to give in and get bombed, but you know what, I don’t need to. I honestly believe that I can have fun, a better time even, when sober. Sure, I enjoy having a drink every once in a while; it’s relaxing and lowers inhibitions, but I still know who I am, what I believe, what I am doing, and why I am doing it. Plus, I won’t be the one sick and hung over the next morning, wasting that fresh day.

 2. Stay safe (which means to only go places with friends you can trust, always stay with your group, don’t even go to the bathroom alone, never take drinks from anyone, and never set your drink down unattended and then drink out of it).

3. Stay healthy (which means to take care of yourself on a regular basis, get enough sleep on a weekly basis, eat healthy overall, take good vitamins, etc.). The important thing is what you do most of the time; set a strong foundation for yourself and your world.

4. Always remember who you are and what you believe in. I am a woman of worth and strength and integrity. Say it! Remind yourself every day. When you operate from that truth, then you will try new things and live a courageous and incredible life; however, you will not be swayed by peer pressure or societal expectations or anything other than the truth that you stand on. Along with that comes trusting your instincts.

But whatever you do, be bold, live, and have smart fun! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn [her] back on life.”

A friend mentioned that I should share the “smart fun” idea with others through my blog, hence this post. J Do you do something similar with your teens or have other similar ideas that work well? I would love to hear your thoughts!

“A Single Step”

Photo taken around seven years ago after a month of all raw fruits & veggies.

          Ever since I had a health scare last summer, I have been mulling over the idea of taking one step at a time. My uncle, mom, friends, and doctors all cautioned me to add and/or subtract a single action to my life rather than going to the extremes that I have tried in the past.

For instance, I could stop drinking anything with calories (for me that would be almond milk in coffee, 100% fruit juice, and sweet tea). Or perhaps I could eat a large salad every day or walk 30 minutes four times a week. Or maybe I could start writing down everything that I put in my mouth. The point is to choose something small and begin. As Lao-tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

But where does the journey really begin?

Over ten years ago when my mom mentioned the Daniel Diet and the internet first became popular, I took a step towards a healthier lifestyle diet while gobbling down information.   

I’ve studied the raw food diet for years, read numerous books, blogs, and websites, starting with Shazzie, The Garden Diet Family, Frederic Patenaude, and From SAD to RAW, and brainstormed plans or challenges with friends. Before raw foods became all the rave, I completed a 15-day master lemonade cleanse, a 40-day juice cleanse and 30 days with only raw fruits and vegetables. I’ve even been quoted in a raw food book.

What keeps taking me away from an all-raw diet?  It’s extreme and so difficult to maintain.

What keeps bringing me back?  It’s healthy and brings so much energy, clarity, and health.

Going back and forth does not work, so what is the answer?  Balance, yet I believe balance is different for each individual.  I haven’t completely discovered balance in my diet yet, but I am closer than I was when I took that first step.  When I do discover balance, it will not be something to copy.  Read about…yes.  Study…yes.  Learn from…yes.  Copy…no. 

For me, it’s all about health, not dieting.  Choice, not willpower.  Abundance, not lack or deprivation.  Blessings, not curses. 

The truth is I know what it is to be healthy, and I’ve taught that to my daughters.  I know what is best for me to eat. I have a strong foundation, not only from everything I have researched in the past twelve years but also from my childhood. I grew up on a 300-acre beef farm in south-central Missouri where we ate fresh meat, eggs, and milk from the farm and vegetables and fruit from the garden.

I remember shelling peas, snapping green beans, washing beets, eating carrots straight from the dirt, shucking corn on the cob, picking apples and strawberries.  I remember carrying buckets overflowing with potatoes, tomatoes, and cucumbers. I remember canning pickles, okra, and salsa for colder months. 

We dined on farm-fresh scrambled eggs with our diced tomatoes, onions, and jalapenos, stir-fried chicken and fresh veggies, or spaghetti made with our canned tomatoes and fresh ground beef.  We rarely ate out, rarely drank soda, rarely consumed junk food, and usually had home-baked breads and desserts.  Our drinking water came from an underground well, and we were an active and hardworking family. 

I had a strong foundation for what it meant to be healthy physically, for what it meant to eat well. However, I did not have a strong foundation emotionally and became an emotional overeater and eventually a yo-yo dieter. How I hate the diet mentality, and how glad I am that I am moving away from it and towards balance and health.

No matter what, never allow yourself to get caught up with the diet mentality, which is mired in extremes and unhealthy measures.  Unfortunately, in today’s society, we are raised on it, suckled on new fads, fear-based advertising, and misinformation.  What that leads to is desperation, from which there can be no true transformation or complete health.  I know because I lived it.  About six years ago, I wrote this:

          My whole life, I have felt a desperate need for instant salvation, for cleansing:  immediate weight loss, beauty, healing or change. I’ve relied on juice cleanses and fasts to miraculously fix everything and hated myself for not sticking with extreme diets. I’ve thought that if I were clean and good, then I might be worthy. The loss has eaten at me; I’ve coped by filling it with so much food the face in the mirror, my body, became a stranger. Only recently did I discover that the fat cocooned a lost self. The authentic child floated, drowning in an ocean of masked fins, trapped in a world of phoniness, lies and power struggles. The forsaken child became the forsaken woman. Who I am frozen inside an ice sculpture fashioned by everyone else.

Since then, I have learned and grown so much. Finally, finally, I am starting to see my past and my present clearly. I am starting to live balance and health in all areas of my life. What does it mean for me in terms of my daily food intake?  It means that I eat around 75% fruits and vegetables for each meal and add daily green smoothies and salads (and the other things I eat are gluten-free, dairy-free, mostly chemical-free, whole foods, organic when possible). It means that I eat mostly home-cooked meals and choose healthier options when eating out. It means that I cut out all sugar except dark chocolate and honey.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

And maybe there are multiple staircases. We can take a step up one and reach the top only to discover that we have another staircase to climb. The important thing is that we are taking action and climbing. 

Whatever the first step is for you…take it…begin today, right now.

Running on Empty, Running on Stuffed

Extremes are not healthy.

An empty fridge, down to canned soup for supper. Gas on empty, rummage for enough change to pump one gallon of gas. A pile of bills, waiting to be paid. Hungry children searching for something to pack for lunch. Vitamins that keep a single, working mother running…gone. One dollar and thirty-five cents left in the bank account. Pay day changed…moved to two weeks away.    

I lived that scenario last month and can tell you that it is not fun, which is obviously an understatement. While we were able to receive much needed help, I felt stressed and anxious. Depressed that we were in that situation. Embarrassed that we had to ask for help. Worried about how it would all work out.   

Extremes are not healthy.

          Seriously, having nothing (no money, no gas, no food, no toilet paper, no cat food) sucks. 

          Yet is it fair for me to say that we had “nothing,” for we had a roof over our heads, each other, our cats, two TVs, two old but working computers, an old but working vehicle, three cell phones, numerous movies, books, articles of clothing, etc. 

          And while living this “nothing” and running on empty, we were richly blessed.  How were we blessed?  Let me count the ways.

          First of all, we learned how kind and compassionate people are. For example, a friend baked a delicious and healthy meal for us one night, and we dined on ham, potatoes, pineapples, plums, and carrots for days. Another friend filled up my gas tank and then took me to the movies because she wanted to watch Les Miserables.

Second, we discovered that God takes care of us, sometimes in the most extraordinary ways. For instance, after the movie with my friend, we stopped at the bathroom where a stranger handed me a $50 gift card to The Melting Pot. I suggested that this woman use it herself, and she related that her granddaughter had already left town and she didn’t really like it and was happy that I would enjoy it. Later that week, T-mobile called me out of the blue to lower our monthly bill and during that phone conversation agreed to replace our old cell phones with new ones (so we have the same exact style but working phones!).

Third, we became creative with using what we have and not wasting so much. One thing I am extremely grateful for:  the girls have learned to eat and enjoy leftovers. They would eat them previously but would grumble or complain or whine or ask for something else or suggest eating out.  Now they are often eager to eat up what’s in the fridge before buying more or asking for more.

Fourth, we realized a greater appreciation for what we have.    

Fifth, we received a stronger ability to live in the now.  My mantra during that time was this:  Right now, I have enough for what we need.  It was true.  In each moment, what I had was all I needed. 

Finally, we gained perspective, and as a former therapist used to say, “Perspective is everything.”

Extremes are not healthy.

As soon as payday came, I rushed to the gas station and filled up the car before heading to Publix and Target for groceries and necessities. I filled up the fridge and cabinets, ordered Reliv vitamins, and paid bills. 

Words cannot express how good it felt to fill up the gas tank rather than only put in a few dollars and to fill it up with my own money rather than relying on a friend. How abundant it felt to open the fridge and see it bursting with healthy food and watch the girls pack Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches along with cheese sticks, yogurt, pretzels, and fruit. I felt abundant, blessed, relieved, and a sense of wellbeing swamped me.

Extremes are not healthy.

I love the feeling of wealth and security that comes with having more than enough, yet I realize that it’s dulled us (our country, our society) in some ways.  As a nation, we are overfed and undernourished.  We are spoiled and rotting.  We are overweight and slow.  We are running on stuffed.

It was so easy to fall back into old patterns until I had to throw away half a bag of spinach. While that’s only a dollar fifty worth of food, it reminded me of just over a week ago when that dollar fifty would have been so vital.  And I hate considering how much food we’ve thrown away over the years. How much have all of us wasted?  How much food, time, talent, energy, people? 

I remember a favorite Ray Bradbury quote of mine from Fahrenheit 451, “Well, after all, this is the age of the disposable tissue. Blow your nose on a person, wad them, flush them away, reach for another, blow, wad, flush. Everyone using everyone else's coattails.”

Being alive is a blessing, having the basics is a miracle, and having abundance, more than enough, and convenience to go with it…that is a wonder. 

The blessings we received while running on empty and the conclusions I’ve come to while running on stuffed all lead up to something I’ve been wanting and working towards for years…balance.  

Balance is the key.  I don’t want to run on empty, but I no longer want to run on stuffed either.  I am grateful for both experiences because knowing what they feel like inspires compassion, kindness, and understanding; however, I am ready for balance in my life, and I know balance comes from self-discipline. 

That means planning ahead and only getting what we truly need for the week (including a few treats) and then using what is in the house before buying more. That means learning to be okay with a fridge half full rather than overflowing. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be spontaneous and meet a friend for lunch, for example, but it means that I am aware. If I make that choice, what are the consequences? What am I gaining and what is the cost? 

And this scenario applies to all areas of life. How am I balancing work with play? Writing my words with reading other people's words? Time with family, friends, and God? Sleep with everything on the mental To-Do List.  Screen time with time unplugged?  

Where do you find yourself on the spectrum between running on empty and running on stuffed? What choices have you been making? What choices will you make in the future?

A Heart That Blesses

There are a couple of things I’ve learned that have helped me through this health scare:  how we react is up to us, and perspective is everything.  So, I chose from the beginning to see the lab results as a sign from God.  The evening I got the results, I wrote:  He is showing me that it is time for real change and a lifestyle refurbishment.  I am okay.  Everything will be okay.  I trust God, myself, life, the world.  This will be a blessing.

I began the weekend with big lists and big plans for changes, things that I’ve been working towards for a while now.  Things like going to bed at a decent hour, getting back to exercising five times a week, and sticking with a strict but healthy nutrition plan.  The biggest change is to create more balance between our busyness and downtime.  Ultimately, I knew that I had to de-stress my life as well as learn to handle stress better.

Then, I talked to my uncle who cautioned me to start slow.  Yes, make real changes, he advised, but don’t try to do it all at once because that will create more stress as well as set you up for failure.  When I shared this with Lexi later, she said, “How’d he get so smart?!”  He’s absolutely correct.  One of my problems has been moving from extreme to extreme, and it’s time for balance.

During our phone conversation, my uncle mentioned something about how capable I am, and I began to cry because I finally figured out why I have felt so intensely stressed over the past several years.  Well, it’s partly because there have been so many “hits” to handle, and I feel overwhelmed.  Events and changes like the ones in my life are stressful.  Period.  Yet, it’s also because I feel so alone.  Now I know that I am capable and strong, that I can do whatever is needed, that I can make things work, create what I want.  A few years ago, I didn’t know this.  Now that I do, rather than taking comfort, I’ve felt stressed because it means more and more piled on top of me.  Just because I can handle a lot doesn’t mean I should.  Just because I am capable of doing it all alone doesn’t mean I should.  I have felt so alone for a long time, even during the latter part of my marriage, and that feeling had triggered a fight or flight response in my body that has been near the surface this whole time.  And, all last month with the added dog responsibility, the stress reflex went through the roof.  Wound way too tight, I was inhaling rescue remedy gummies like candy.  The conversation with my uncle and releasing tears helped me settle down.  Be more calm and at peace.  Since then, I have started incorporating small changes, little things at a time, things I know I can do on a consistent basis.

We were so glad to have a chance to go to church again on Sunday, and it was inspiring.  Everything was exactly what I needed to hear, as if God were talking directly to me.  This Sunday, the pastor started a new series called “Heart Strings,” and this week’s message was Psalm 139, about “The God who is always there” with his presence and love. I am keeping the notes along with the first 16 verses from the chapter next to my bed to read when needed.  If you are feeling alone or afraid, read that chapter! 

Near the end of the service, we sang some Kristian Stanfill lyrics: 

Trouble surrounds me, chaos abounding.

My soul will rest in you.

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm,

My help is on the way, my help is on the way.

Oh my God, He will not delay,

My refuge and strength, always.

I will not fear, His promise is true,

My God will come through always, always. 

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord. 

My eyes watered, but I sang along, letting the words wash over me, healing and soothing.  I felt my body release and my muscles unwind.  It was as if I let go of the stress, the weight that I had been holding onto so tightly for so long.

As usual, on the way home and around the lunch table, we discussed what we took from the service.  I realized that part of my stress has come from believing lies such as I am alone and I have to do it all alone.  It’s time to embrace the truth that God is always with me and that I have many wonderful people around me.

The next morning I woke up relaxed yet intensely sore.  It hurt to move, and I don’t remember feeling this level of pain since I started going to the Fix on a regular basis.  I stretched, took some deep breaths, walked Thorin for 30 minutes, and later went to my Fix muscle massage therapy appointment.  While there, I proposed that perhaps my muscle enzymes were high because of stress and maybe I am this sore because I had been clenching my muscles and finally released them.

In the Nehemiah study, we recently discussed being willing to be, simply be and “show up,” where God wants you and moving “full circle.”  Kelly Minter writes, “God had brought Nehemiah full circle, beginning at one broken gate on the circumference all the way around to the very same gate, only on this day all had been made new…we have reason to hope He will work with the same restorative power in our lives…Where the place we stand remains the same but everything around us has changed, this is full circle.  This is a miracle.”

On Monday night, the doctor called me.  I’d dropped my results off at his office on Saturday, and an evening phone call terrified me.  Would he tell me to go to the ER right now?  Would he want to run expensive tests, prescribe medicine, or perform surgery?  Would he say my heart was broken and needed repair?  How would I afford anything that he wanted me to do?    

I answered the phone, unlocked the patio door, opened it, and walked outside for better reception. 

“Everything looks good,” he said.  “Just have blood work done in another three months to see where you are then.”

At first I argued with him.  Not that I wanted anything to be wrong, but that I wanted to know I was really okay.  He said he wasn’t concerned with the one high number but that he could order a specific heart test, if I wanted.  He asked about other symptoms to confirm that he doesn’t think there’s a problem at this time.  He said to contact him if new symptoms appear, but other than that, simply test everything again in a few months.  He agreed with my theory about the high stress levels impacting the results of the blood work and even agreed with my uncle about making changes in a slow but steady manner. 

A small smile lingered as I hung up, and I rushed in to give the girls the good news.  “But we have to take this as a warning sign,” I cautioned.  “It’s still important to de-stress our lives and move towards balance and health.” 

A good writing friend sent me an email today, worried about me and the title of my blog and encouraging me to focus on the positive and be aware of self-fulfilling prophecies.  She’s right.  “A Heart That Breaks” is the title of the Nehemiah book that I’ve been studying at church, and having a heart that breaks is meant in a positive way in the book:  a compassionate heart, a heart like God’s, a heart that hurts for others and helps others.  I agree with these things, and I choose to express a compassionate heart a bit differently.  My heart has been broken—for myself, for my daughters, for others.  Now, I have a heart that heals—for myself, for my daughters, for others.  I have a heart that blesses—myself, my daughters, others.  We each have a choice.  Which do you choose?