Once Upon a Time

 Last week, I talked about “real change,” and it’s absolutely time for that in my life.  Over the weekend, I made those lists, looked at my calendar/schedule, and had some heart-to-heart conversations with my girls.  

First thing on the list to de-stress my life is finding a home for Thorin, a place where he will be happy, so I emailed the Australian Terrier rescue.  Same as with Sam, we believe his happiness will only be with someone who actively desires his specific breed and will spend time with him and treat him as part of the family.  On the website, I read reassuring words from Darlene Evans, the President of ATR:  “Rescue is done with the heart.  Sometimes in rescue there are difficult decisions that have to be made, but they are offset by the happy look of an Aussie as he is going off to his new and final home. That is what rescue is all about.”  That is what we want for Thorin.  Within two days, a woman from Georgia called to ask about Thorin and passed his info along, cautioning me that it could be difficult to find someone to take a dog so old. 

By Wed, a woman contacted me who wants to adopt Thorin!  She has had Aussies in the past and loves them and now has a tiny Yorkie, so Thorin will have a pal to hang out with.  The dogs are not left alone more than a few hours at a time and even go on vacation with her and her husband.  They live close to Orlando and would be happy to send us updates and photos of a happy Thorin, and we could even visit him.  This weekend, we will take Thorin to their home and see if it works out.

A huge weight of relief fell off of my shoulders after that phone conversation.  Again, we do not have to say a forever goodbye, which is such a blessing, as this decision is difficult to make.  At times, I wonder if we could work it out somehow.  Thorin, such a sweetheart, follows me around like a little shadow, and we have fallen into a semi-workable routine this week.  When we take him on longer walks, he is less likely to mess in the house, and he still adores car rides with us.  However, it is an added expense, an extra responsibility, and it takes so much time from our already over-busy schedule.  Some days, things appear to flow more smoothly, and it works out.  Other days, it is a real struggle to find time to walk Thorin in the morning or rush back to him after church or work.  Bottom line is that it’s too much right now, and it’s not fair to him to be locked up several days a week.   

Yet I am sad to think of saying any sort of goodbye to Thorin this weekend.  He has been part of our family for eleven years, and we are giving him to another family, which hurts.  At the same time, I realized this week that Lexi was right from the very beginning when she said that God was using the situation with the dogs to help us work through and release some things from our past. 

Once upon a time, we were a family of six (two adults, two kids, two dogs).  In the meantime, divorce, life, circumstances changed our family, breaking it into two separate ones.  It has taken time, but those separate families are healing, learning, evolving, and growing stronger.  Seeing the dogs and having them here in our new life where they don’t really fit anymore has helped us accept the past and our new paths.  Being part of their recovery and healing has brought fresh healing for us.  Saying goodbye to our dogs has allowed us to release the past and some of our expectations of the future.  Finding them new homes where they will thrive shows us our chance to thrive.  We are all going in separate, new directions, but it is good.  And they all lived happily ever after with their new families.

Only One Person

The first day of the month, I wanted to start it off on the right foot, so I went to the pool Monday night and swam 75 laps, which felt great.

Otherwise, it was our regular crazy schedule of running between school/work and dance and home and errands, trying to fit everything in and get everything done and not sleeping enough.  Every time we left for the day, we put Thorin in the kennel, and every night came home to messes. 

On Wed, I saw the girls out the door to the bus and got ready for my women’s Bible study.  Thorin followed, staying right at my heels wherever I went.  Laina had walked him before going to the bus, and I left a few minutes after her; therefore, I put him in the kennel and grabbed my keys. 

Pssssssssss.

I stopped and walked back to the kennel.  Thorin stood inside, tilted head gazing directly at me.  A large wet spot stained the carpet, and I couldn’t believe it.  There’s no way he had to go already.  He just didn’t want me to leave him in there.  I wiped it up and left him, feelings of guilt, defeat, and exhaustion weighing me down.

I kept my appointment at the Fix for my muscle therapy, my twenty-minutes of taking time for myself and learning how to relax.  That and some deep breaths helped me shake off some of the negative feelings so I could enjoy the meeting with the other women and appreciate the lessons from it.  For instance, in the last chapter of the book, the author shares a friend’s thoughts:

For me it was a confirmation that part of my calling as a follower of Christ is to love my family well in this season.  I am so focused on raising my (about to be) two young kids that I find myself feeling guilty that I am not as available to other people as I was before children, but I feel like God has shown me that I am doing the work of building the wall in my own home when I strive to train my children in the way they should go, when I feed them and nurture them and even discipline them in love.  This is good work, and it will only last for a season.  That doesn’t mean that I close my eyes to the rest of the world; it just means that I need to take this work of raising a family as a serious calling and be faithful in that.

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  I can relate to living in this season, and I can relate to the guilt that comes with it; however, it is true that I am “building the wall” right now with my teenage daughters, and that is a precious and time-consuming calling.  And very serious.  While I know I will make mistakes, I want to do the best that I can.

And I hate that the best I can do right now is alone, as a single parent, because that’s not how it’s supposed to be and not what’s best for them and because it is exhausting. 

After our meeting, I went out to lunch with one of the women, and it was so nice.  To sit over spring rolls and have a conversation… something so simple yet so fueling. 

I don’t know how to write about the next part.  I am a single mother with several part-time jobs and no family in the area.  I’ve worked an overload for over a year now to make ends meet, but it is still not enough for the lifestyle I want to give my kids.  It is definitely not enough for health insurance.  I make just a little too much for assistance yet not enough for “extras” like health insurance.  Three years ago, my ex quit his job, canceled our health insurance, and opened his own law practice.  Since then, I have not been to a doctor.

This summer, some issues crept up, and, scared, I walked into an urgent care walk-in clinic in July.  When I explained that I didn’t have insurance and was a single mom, the doctor came out and sat with me in the waiting room.  We talked for close to an hour as I described my symptoms and concerns, and he said he would work with me to help me in the least expensive way possible.  He wrote down blood work that he wanted me to have run at a local lab and told me to come back and see him at a cheaper walk-in clinic with the results.  The concerns were possible low thyroid or diabetes, but both of those came back in the normal range.  Just a couple of items had high levels, but my blood pressure was okay. 

I check my blood pressure when I go into Publix for groceries, and most of the time it starts high but is normal a few minutes later when I take a deep breath and relax for a few minutes.  So, most of the time, it is too high from the emotional stress of doing it all alone, too high from the frantic rush from this to that, too high from the worry of making ends meet.

I called the doctor and told him my results, and we agreed that I should wait a few weeks and then retake the blood work to double check the high levels.  He said not to worry in the meantime.  So I tried not to, and I got busy with saying goodbye to Astrid, buying school supplies, getting ready for the start of fall semester, and finally dealing with the dogs.  All stressful.  Plus, frankly I did not have the extra money for more lab work since I’d lost one of my classes.

Last Friday when I went to Squid Lips for the writer’s meeting, I was close to the walk-in clinic and decided to drop off my results.  This Wednesday during lunch, the doctor called and advised me to run just the Profile one for $12, so I stopped to do so on the way home.

When I returned home, Thorin had left a mess in the kennel again.  That was it.  I was done!  No more!  For too many years I have allowed others to “crap” all over me metaphorically, and I have been working on moving away from that.  Now, I have a pet literally crapping all over my things.  It’s disgusting, and I am not allowing that in my life anymore—metaphorically or literally. 

I took him out for his walk but had to leave to take Lexi to work and then go teach my night class, so I called Laina with explicit instructions for how to clean up the mess and take the kennel outside to air out.  On my break, I texted and asked, and she confirmed that it was done.  Today, I opened the shutters to find poop still all over the kennel tray on the patio.  Another frantic morning trying to get the kennel cleaned, lunches made, breakfast eaten, Thorin walked, and everyone ready and out the door on time.   

Today, I tried not to worry about the lab results, but I’ve known that something is going on.  Extra weight on top of too much stress for too many years…not a good combination.  After work, I stopped for my results.  When I saw them, my heart fell.  Only one thing is high again this time, but it means that something is going on with my heart. 

I expressed distress to the lab technician and mentioned the level of stress I’m under, and she counseled me to take four deep breaths every hour and to realize that I am “only one person” and can’t do it all alone.  She suggested I make lists:  have to, want to, would like to.  Prioritize.  De-stress my life, de-stress my body.  She said, “I’m worried that you are going to stress yourself into a heart attack.”  I am also worried.

I am scared.  I still want to cry.

Harvest Moon Madness

 

Lexi worked on Saturday morning, while I headed to Wickham Park with Laina and the dogs for social hour at the dog park.  As usual, Sam explored the area and played with the other dogs.  Not feeling his best, Thorin stayed near us, only running around a little, yet still trying to dominate the large dogs.  An hour later, we hosed them down and picked Lexi up.  We spent the afternoon attempting to catch up with homework and grading.

Late that afternoon, we drove to the dog beach for more fun and played with the harvest moon as a backdrop.  The girls took turns running with Sam who still adored the beach.  Thorin still detested the ocean but was content to sit and watch.  Over and over, Sam seized his leash, wanting to lead the way.  Laina kept pulling the leash up, trying to keep him from capturing it.  

Frustrated, Laina plopped onto the sand and pulled, determined to win the tug of war.  Although she won the battle, she lost the war when, five minutes later, Sam snapped the leash in half.  Thankfully, she still held the first handle, and he didn’t get completely loose to chase all of the other dogs at the beach.  Time to leave.

 We stopped by our friend’s house to hose down the dogs before returning home for the evening.

Once more, we stayed home from the morning church service because the girls wanted more time with Sam and were still behind with homework.  We spent the day with the dogs and with work.  

Over the weekend, we mixed rice and hamburger in with their dog food (vet’s recommendation for Thorin’s upset tummy), and Thorin was finally well.

That evening, the girls said, “See ya,” to Sam.  It was important to them that it’s not a forever goodbye.  While sad, they could see for themselves that Sam’s needs are best met with the other family, so they hugged him hard and left for the youth service.   Once again, I found myself envious.  I want to be dropped off for some amusement rather than left alone with all of the responsibilities.  I didn’t realize how much I need a break until I started writing about the weekend.  I didn’t realize how much I miss my friends.  My focus this September has been on the dogs.  While understandable, it’s not healthy.

I clarified with both the girls and later with Tom that we won’t be able to see Sam for a few weeks.  My priority has to be catching up with everything and getting used to our routine again.  Plus, it will help Sam bond with his new family.  In a few weeks, it will be good to go play with Sam again, but for now, we have other priorities to focus on.

I took the dogs to my friend’s backyard to run because I didn’t want to return Sam to Tom with too much excess energy.  Even though Sam had all of that open space, he still whined.  An hour later, I put Sam and Thorin in the car.  Sam whined, and Thorin yelped.  I fed and walked my friends’ dogs before taking Sam back to Tom.

Relief mixed with sadness as I dropped Sam off at his new home.  He loped in like he belonged, welcomed Tom, and appeared content.  With a lump in my throat, I patted Sam’s head for a final time and left.  As I drove off, I saw Tom hold the door open with Sam sitting in the doorway.  His body quivered, but he stayed and waited, listening to Tom.  Once I picked up the girls and arrived home, I sent a text to check on Sam.  No whining, and already no pulling on the leash.  As Tom mentioned, they “will be good” together, and that’s what counts.

As for me, on the car ride home, the girls bickered and badgered.  As words and emotions were volleyed from girl to girl to me, all of the emotions and pressures of the month built up, and I snapped.  While I’m not proud of my outburst, yelling helped relieve the pressure I’ve been under.  In retrospect, three things are essential for me to incorporate into my life on a more consistent basis:  breaks, time with friends, and a physical outlet like swimming, running, or doing P90X.

Last week’s study of Nehemiah started with confession and remembrance of the history of God’s promises and work in our lives, and it ended with breaking the cycle through a plea for help and true change.  If we are not reaping the harvest that God has intended for our lives, then we need to confess, listen, obey, and change something.  Kelly Minter says, “So many times I’ve longed for my circumstances to change while I haven’t been willing to change.”   I don’t know about you, but I, too, am guilty of that.

She continues, “Making changes in our lives can be hard, but it’s our refusal to change the places God is asking us to change that keeps us stuck on the dismal merry-go-round we’re too afraid to jump off yet too sick to stay on.  We hold on tightly only to pass by the same old stuff exactly where it was at the last time we swirled past.”  There are merry-go-rounds that I have jumped off of, and some merry-go-rounds I still need to leave behind.  Letting go is scary yet one of the first steps necessary for real change.  Last week when I read this passage, I wrote in the margin, “God, show me.  I am open.”