Harvest Moon Madness

 

Lexi worked on Saturday morning, while I headed to Wickham Park with Laina and the dogs for social hour at the dog park.  As usual, Sam explored the area and played with the other dogs.  Not feeling his best, Thorin stayed near us, only running around a little, yet still trying to dominate the large dogs.  An hour later, we hosed them down and picked Lexi up.  We spent the afternoon attempting to catch up with homework and grading.

Late that afternoon, we drove to the dog beach for more fun and played with the harvest moon as a backdrop.  The girls took turns running with Sam who still adored the beach.  Thorin still detested the ocean but was content to sit and watch.  Over and over, Sam seized his leash, wanting to lead the way.  Laina kept pulling the leash up, trying to keep him from capturing it.  

Frustrated, Laina plopped onto the sand and pulled, determined to win the tug of war.  Although she won the battle, she lost the war when, five minutes later, Sam snapped the leash in half.  Thankfully, she still held the first handle, and he didn’t get completely loose to chase all of the other dogs at the beach.  Time to leave.

 We stopped by our friend’s house to hose down the dogs before returning home for the evening.

Once more, we stayed home from the morning church service because the girls wanted more time with Sam and were still behind with homework.  We spent the day with the dogs and with work.  

Over the weekend, we mixed rice and hamburger in with their dog food (vet’s recommendation for Thorin’s upset tummy), and Thorin was finally well.

That evening, the girls said, “See ya,” to Sam.  It was important to them that it’s not a forever goodbye.  While sad, they could see for themselves that Sam’s needs are best met with the other family, so they hugged him hard and left for the youth service.   Once again, I found myself envious.  I want to be dropped off for some amusement rather than left alone with all of the responsibilities.  I didn’t realize how much I need a break until I started writing about the weekend.  I didn’t realize how much I miss my friends.  My focus this September has been on the dogs.  While understandable, it’s not healthy.

I clarified with both the girls and later with Tom that we won’t be able to see Sam for a few weeks.  My priority has to be catching up with everything and getting used to our routine again.  Plus, it will help Sam bond with his new family.  In a few weeks, it will be good to go play with Sam again, but for now, we have other priorities to focus on.

I took the dogs to my friend’s backyard to run because I didn’t want to return Sam to Tom with too much excess energy.  Even though Sam had all of that open space, he still whined.  An hour later, I put Sam and Thorin in the car.  Sam whined, and Thorin yelped.  I fed and walked my friends’ dogs before taking Sam back to Tom.

Relief mixed with sadness as I dropped Sam off at his new home.  He loped in like he belonged, welcomed Tom, and appeared content.  With a lump in my throat, I patted Sam’s head for a final time and left.  As I drove off, I saw Tom hold the door open with Sam sitting in the doorway.  His body quivered, but he stayed and waited, listening to Tom.  Once I picked up the girls and arrived home, I sent a text to check on Sam.  No whining, and already no pulling on the leash.  As Tom mentioned, they “will be good” together, and that’s what counts.

As for me, on the car ride home, the girls bickered and badgered.  As words and emotions were volleyed from girl to girl to me, all of the emotions and pressures of the month built up, and I snapped.  While I’m not proud of my outburst, yelling helped relieve the pressure I’ve been under.  In retrospect, three things are essential for me to incorporate into my life on a more consistent basis:  breaks, time with friends, and a physical outlet like swimming, running, or doing P90X.

Last week’s study of Nehemiah started with confession and remembrance of the history of God’s promises and work in our lives, and it ended with breaking the cycle through a plea for help and true change.  If we are not reaping the harvest that God has intended for our lives, then we need to confess, listen, obey, and change something.  Kelly Minter says, “So many times I’ve longed for my circumstances to change while I haven’t been willing to change.”   I don’t know about you, but I, too, am guilty of that.

She continues, “Making changes in our lives can be hard, but it’s our refusal to change the places God is asking us to change that keeps us stuck on the dismal merry-go-round we’re too afraid to jump off yet too sick to stay on.  We hold on tightly only to pass by the same old stuff exactly where it was at the last time we swirled past.”  There are merry-go-rounds that I have jumped off of, and some merry-go-rounds I still need to leave behind.  Letting go is scary yet one of the first steps necessary for real change.  Last week when I read this passage, I wrote in the margin, “God, show me.  I am open.” 

Sam’s Back

          The girls were working on their chores after school on Friday when I left to pick up Sam for the weekend. We wanted to see with our own eyes that he was happy with Tom, and we wanted more time with Sam.  Plus, Tom was going out of town for the weekend and needed us to watch Sam.  Mostly, I knew that Sam had found his new home, but I wasn’t completely ready to admit it yet.

Thorin trotted out after me, hopped in the car, and rode along.  I left his leash at home; he’d been so ill and slow moving that we hadn’t needed it. 

          I walked into Tom’s house, and Sam was a big ball of sniffing, tail-wagging energy.  Definitely happy to see me, yet two minutes later, loud, deep barks erupted from his throat.  Woof, woof, woof!  Why did you leave me?  Woof, woof, woof!  Where are the girls?  Woof, woof, woof!  What’s going on?

          “Haven’t heard him bark before,” Tom said.  “Here, let me show you what I’ve taught him and what you can keep doing.”  Tom told Sam to sit at the garage door.  Sam sat, and Tom opened the door.  A miracle, Sam didn’t bolt but waited, his whole body quivering with want. 

Ruff!  Thorin stuck his head out the window to greet Sam, and Sam raced to say hi.  Here we go again, I thought. 

Tom put Sam on his leash, and I opened the door so Thorin could hop out and reunite with his buddy.  Thorin sniffed Sam and then scampered away.  Where did he get the sudden burst of energy?

I chased him, put both dogs in the car, and waved goodbye to Tom.  Again, I felt conflicted:  happy to see Sam, stressed about how much time it would take and how it would all play out, and envious of Tom who was headed to a fun weekend with friends.  Obviously, I need a break.  Plus, I miss hanging out with friends.

Again, Sam was thrilled to see the girls but wanted to explore outside.  Inside, he kept whimpering.  Now that he knows he has options, I don’t think he likes the small space in our condo.  He paced and whimpered and begged to be taken out as much as possible.  The girls were thrilled to see him, hug him again, but they were sad to see his discontentment and tired of walking him so often and being jerked around so much.  He was great at the door, sitting and waiting to be led out, rather than racing past everyone, and he was better on the leash but still pulled when excited or distracted.  Although he listened better, he was still too full of energy to settle down.  

Again, the cats were curious but jumpy and cautious.  While Thorin appeared more energetic with Sam around, he was lost in the shuffle of Sam’s energy and needs.  Sam was the focus of the weekend, and already we knew, even if we didn't want to admit, that his happiness now lies with Tom and not us; while it’s hard, we want what is best for him.

Ten Things I Know For Sure

          (This post was written last Friday and was inspired by this video).

1.  Sam is happy.  Tom has sent me updates via text—chases around the house, two-mile runs every morning, games of fetch.  Sam sleeping on the floor beside Tom’s bed, Tom working from home all week to be with Sam and train him to stay and walk without pulling on the leash, Sam snagging his own burger chopped up in his dog food, Tom describing Sam as spunky, sweet, smart.  When I asked Tom if his mother liked Sam, he texted, “Yes, of course.  How can you not.”  Such simple words yet so true.  Tom continued to ask how we were doing and said, “He shows love…that’s what you all gave him.”

2.  The cats are more content because they are roaming freely and getting more attention.  While curious about Sam, his size made them anxious.  Every time he moved, they jumped, and they spent lots of time watching him, waiting to see what he would do next.  Now, they spend more time purring.

   3.  Thorin needs a good home.  See numbers four through six:  4.  We are all three too tired, too busy, and too far behind.  5.  Dog vomit and diarrhea is all over the carpet in our condo.  6.  I want to cry right now. 

Thorin was fine at first, enjoying his new status as king of the castle and loving the extra attention.  Then, we left him home alone while at work and school, and he hated it.  Also, he snuck some cat food.  I don’t know if he’s missing Sam, mad about being left alone, upset from cat food, or simply sick, but Thorin has had an uneasy stomach for two days, pooping and vomiting all over the house no matter how many times we take him out. His illness started on Wed night, and everything disintegrated into threats and tears and complaints.  Staying up until after midnight and getting up at seven for school and work is not working for us.  Having this extra responsibility is not working for us.  The girls not having time and energy to get all of their homework done is not working.  We are all over-committed and overwhelmed and over-exhausted.  Not a good combination. 

A homeschooling friend and her son stayed with Thorin on Thursday, which was so great of them.  I hate to think that, otherwise, he would have been locked in the kennel, sitting in his vomit and diarrhea all day…alone.  Our friends took care of him and kept him company until I got home from work. 

Then, I had to rush out to pick up Lexi and take her to dance, so I wrapped Thorin in a blanket and brought him with me.  We walked some and sat at the park along the Indian River while Lexi danced for three hours.  Laina was at a basketball game with friends, and we all met back home afterwards. 

Today, the girls are at school, and I’m home alone with Thorin and his illness.  I’ve cleaned the messes, but the carpet needs a deep cleaning. This afternoon we pick Sam up, and I want to see him while I am also stressed about having the added responsibility again.  I am already so far behind.  I just want to cry. 

My uncle mentioned that it might be confusing for Sam to bring him back into our home, so I called and talked to Tom about it.  I want whatever’s best for Sam and don’t want to interfere with his bonding with his new family. Tom thinks it will be fine for us to continue being part of Sam’s life if we are all consistent. 

My uncle also mentioned that we don’t have a “sphere” in our life for Thorin right now, and it’s true.  We are trying to completely readjust the life we’d built here, and it’s not really fair to any of us (dogs, cats, and humans).  But, as we continue searching for a solution, it is our life for now.

7.  This too shall pass.  Yes, but can the situation please be resolved soon?!  I want to catch up and not feel so overwhelmed.  I want my time back.  I want my freedom back.  I want my girls back (healthy rather than overly tired and stressed).  I want my space back.  I want my peace back.

8.  We are beginning to accept that Sam has a new home.  As I point out to the girls, Sam’s new adventure parallels Lexi’s upcoming new adventure.  Lexi graduates next May and this time next year will be studying in college or dancing on a cruise ship.  She will move out and start a new phase in her life, and eventually (many years down the road!) she will join another family.  All of that will be hard and sad for those of us left at home, but it is the natural order of things and will lead to new opportunities and blessings for Lexi.  In the same way, Sam is venturing out into a new sphere, one where he will be happy and one where he will be a blessing to others.  While I am sad for our loss, I am happy for Sam and his new family.  I am thrilled that we found a solution where we can stay in contact with him and where he will be a blessing to others. 

While it felt empty that first night without Sam, things have started to settle into a more tranquil routine again, and I know we’ve made the right decision.  Sam will always be part of my life, and I will always love him.  That will never change.  Because I want what’s best for him, I am letting him go, and I am at peace about it.  While not 100% with me, the girls are more at ease with the transition and also want what’s best for him.

9.  Although Autumn is here, it’s still too hot in Florida to have a non-working air-conditioner in the car.  We’ve made it all summer without it, and in the cooler mornings I forget.  Then, I get in the car after work, and it is still suffocating.

10.  Despite my mental to-do-list, I am taking time for my writer’s workshop meeting at Squid Lips this afternoon.