Dear UD,
I stand here, looking
at the next month and a half, and I am paralyzed. All that’s left of 2015 is
the holiday season, and for us, that means my birthday, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Lexi’s 21st birthday and New Year’s Eve, not to mention
several other family birthdays.
Flip the calendar back
one year and the landscape changes drastically.
A year ago today, I
prepared for our much anticipated trip to visit Lexi, and in many ways, you
were part of my unforgettable birthday celebration and our adventures in
Manhattan. We experienced a NYC Thanksgiving, five people and a toddler
scrunched around the table in a kitchen the size of a closet. Dinner was
delicious, and the whole day was lovely and perfect. That evening after
watching a movie in plush recliners, we walked to 85th street and
took pictures of the apartment where you lived for years, right on the edge of
Central Park. 
A year ago, we planned
and packed, selling or donating most of our furniture to return home for the
holidays. Christmas on the farm with family, surrounded by loved ones.
Photographs with Dad for the last time. Huge meals, stockings and presents
around the Christmas tree, kids jumping on the trampoline in the cold, games of
Spades, Bridge, Cribbage, and Scrabble, 10 siblings, 20 cousins. 
A year ago, Lexi’s 20th
birthday and New Year’s Eve celebrations with you and Britt. You treated us to opening
week of Into the Woods at the movie
theater, and we all loved it. Afterwards, we ate birthday cake and played
Broadway around your dining room table until the ball dropped. We clinked glasses,
sipped our sparkling apple cider, and welcomed in the New Year with kisses and
hugs. Love and laughter. The first day of 2015, we woke up to family and you,
cooking omelets for each of us.
I didn’t know then that
it would be the last movie with you, the last time we’d play the game you
created. I didn’t know then that Dad would be gone in just four days. Yes, he
was on hospice. Yes, he was shrinking and struggling for breath, but he hid how
bad the pain was, and we thought we had more time. More time with him and
definitely more time with you. I didn’t know then that you would leave us,
suddenly, near the end of April.
Last holiday season….so
many memories that I cherish. I look back and smile.
I look forward and weep.
How do we move forward into this first holiday season after such loss?
Just yesterday, someone
mentioned decorating Christmas trees, and suddenly, I remembered the I love NYC ornament that I bought for
you last November and gave you last year for Christmas. Gut-punched, I realized
that you would never get the chance to put it on your tree.
I talked to a sister
and cousin, both also missing you so much. The prospect of putting together a
family calendar without you is unthinkable. How do we do this?
Instead of Christmas
songs, I’ll put on some Muddy Waters and B. B. King. Eric Clapton and Etta
James will sing me a bedtime lullaby. And, I’ll think of you and Dad.
The activities, the
busyness, I can do that. I can continue on, do the traditions, but the
emotional part, the joy and peace and love that belongs to this season, I don’t
see how I can get there this year.
What I can do is choose
my focus.
A new baby in the
extended family, and what a sweet blessing.
A sister off the
streets, on a bus headed home for the holidays.
Gracie, a calico kitten,
purred and bounced her way into my sister’s home.
So, I reach my way through paralysis and take a small step.
UD, I will sing a song
for you and Dad, raise a toast to you, play a game you taught me, think of you…always.
Love, Rach
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