Big Piney River

            Today, I hiked along the Big Piney River and up the hill at Simmons Baptist Camp in Houston, Missouri with my Italian exchange student, two nephews, and a niece. We explored the river, forests, and cliffs during our forty-five-minute walk, and I skipped rocks and even found one rock with a hole all the way through it like Mom always looked for when at the river.

The 2019 Christmas holiday season was our first one without Mom, which was difficult to say the least; however, it helped to celebrate it with family. Furthermore, I was dreading entering the New Year because it is the first one we are starting without Mom in it. But here it is. For reasons that I will write about in a future post, I am choosing to focus on Gratitude this year.

Today, I am grateful for time with my family in Missouri during the holiday season and especially for everyone who opened their home to me during my stay. In the past, I always set up camp at Mom’s house, so it was different this time. And, I am thankful for the fifty-degree weather and sunshine this afternoon as well as the beauty of nature in the Missouri Ozarks. I love taking walks here year-round, and when near a river, I always end up wading, no matter the weather. Finally, I am so grateful for finding the rock with a hole because it reminds me of Mom and how she lives on in all of us.

Happy New Year!

New Year Musings

Dear UD,

It seems unbelievable that we are starting a New Year that you and Dad will never see;

I have been so sad the past few days as 2016 approached.  

2016, just a number, a New Year, a blank slate,

yet it heralds a time in this world where we must go on without you, 

a path on this earth where you cannot follow,  

a journey we must now make alone.

It doesn't seem right.

I made a 2016 family calendar since you are not here to do it anymore,

and there were too many dates I had to leave blank,

no labels but heavy with meaning,

strong with memory.

January 4^th—the day we lost Dad,

March 1^st—Dad's birthday,

March 15^th—your birthday,

April 28^th—the day we lost you.

The funeral days are sharp yet blurry,

and every day after pregnant with a grief we do not want to birth.

We stumbled through our first holiday season without you,

and most of us became ill,

vomiting up all of our unspoken words and emotions.

But me, I stepped on the cat's tail, on Christmas Day,

fell and fractured my wrist. A trip to the ER

and I came home with a splint on my right wrist.

Shattered lives, shattered bones.

Broken bones, broken spirits.

Losing you was like losing my right arm, and now I am utterly

helpless.

We all feel so bereft, unready, lost.

We miss you both so much.

We wish we could rewind to you.

But time waits for no one so

we are marched into 2016,

a year we are not ready to face,

into a world we are not ready to know,

into a time without you.

Out of the remains of our battered world,

we must create a new normal as our new selves emerge.

But we carry your love, your hearts, your memories into 2016, and

will band together, help each other, and

use the knowledge and gifts that you taught us

to move forward, recover, and become more resilient

as we remember to cherish every

moment and memory

with those we love.

Love, Rach

Christmas Letter

To say that there were many changes in the Crawford family and world this year would be a grievous understatement. The major changes were precipitated in May of 2014 with the passing of Newton Ulysses Crawford, Sr. (Grandpa Crawford to our clan and the family patriarch) at age 96; he lived in his house most of his life (with the exception of his 30 years of service as a naval officer) on the plethora of land that has been in our family’s hands for over 100 years. 

Before we could fully process that event and what it meant to our lives, Newton Jr. (Dad to me and my siblings as well as Gaffer to 20 grandkids) was diagnosed with lung cancer, and Newton the Third (aka Sonny) moved into Grandpa’s house with his two kids. In August when my daughters and I visited Missouri for Crawford camp, Dad lamented that he would not live long enough to farm, and he gave each grandchild a coin from his childhood collection that had just been returned to him. Soon after, he received his treatment options and chose hospice.

Aunt Clarice, the reigning matriarch from Mom’s side of the family, the Cunningham Clan, had passed away the previous fall, and Mom traveled with her two brothers to help settle the estate in the fall of 2014. I remember Uncle David distressingly recounting that the three of them were all that was left now of the family in their generation. 

 

Last fall, Laina and I packed up our three-bedroom condo, selling or donating much of the furniture, and drove to the Missouri farm to be with family. For a semester, we moved into the upstairs of the farmhouse where I grew up, and Lexi flew in for the holidays. After enjoying an emotional and action-packed Christmas with the family, what we knew would be our last one with Dad, I drove Dad’s Cadillac to Kansas City so that Lexi and Laina could see their dad’s family for a few days. We spent New Year’s Eve/Lexi’s 20^th birthday with their grandparents during the day and then with Uncle David and Brittany that night, ringing in the new year with family.

We stopped by Brittany’s house on the way back to the farm but had to cut the visit short when Dad’s condition began to deteriorate more rapidly. I pulled an all-nighter, driving back late that evening, arriving first thing on the morning of January third. I knew he was seriously ill; however, I couldn’t comprehend a world without him in it. Regardless, we had to say our final goodbyes, and by the next morning, Dad was gone.

The first part of the year, we spent attempting to adjust to our new world, a place without Dad. An arduous task.

I’ll never forget April 28^th and the phone call that changed everything, again. Uncle David died suddenly, and we were left to pick up the pieces, again. So within the first four pernicious months of 2015, we attended two funerals and lost two important men in our family. Since then, Mom has moved into another place on the farm, and our childhood home is now Ben’s house. Uncle Bob moved into Uncle David’s house, and the Cunningham farm where we made apple butter for over ten years is now cousin Robert’s home.

So, what has everyone been up to in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of our personal family earthquake?

After enjoying the severe winter and lovely spring of the Ozarks (not to mention the family birthdays and events, Bado church services, Stars Foundation theater and ballet performances, and numerous Spades tournaments), I moved back to the eastern coast of Florida where I had classes lined up to teach and where Laina could finish high school with her friends. We moved into a two-bedroom condo near her school, and I went back to taking as many classes as possible to make ends meet. Cost of living has gone up, so I am teaching even more classes (seven per semester if I can get them). I also applied for and even interviewed for jobs, though so far nothing has emanated. This fall, I joined a GreifShare group at our local church in order to have support through this difficult time. That and writing these blog entries (I still haven’t been able to start journaling again…maybe next year) and conversations with friends and family and weekly phone calls with my cousin Alyssa have helped me as I process everything.

Lexi graduated from AMDA performing arts school in February, and after staying to audition in New York for another month, she moved to Orlando, Florida where she began coaching gymnastics at Metro Gym and went to numerous auditions. In August, she attended the Rockettes Summer Intensive in NYC and then quit her job as a coach, moved back home, and signed up for classes at Eastern Florida where she will finish her AA in a year and graduate in the honors program. She also started teaching dance classes at a local studio. College classes, dance classes, and auditions keep her busy, and on top of all of that, she started working at Chili’s as a hostess during the weekends.

Laina is a junior at Viera High School where she and one of her best friends volunteers as a student assistant for the football team. She attended every practice and every game, standing on the sidelines with the football team, handing them water and other needed supplies. This year, VHS varsity football made it to the state championship, coming in second in their division. Laina is an honor student, taking advanced classes like Honors Pre-cal, Honors Economics/Government, Honors English, and Physics. She is also on a local competitive cheer team, so she has practices during the evenings.

Brittany continues thriving in her job and community where she is not only the school counselor but also the girls’ softball coach, Junior class sponsor, and NHS advisor. Sean is playing saxophone in the band and playing basketball. He has a pet snake named Rusty and a sheltie named Chap. Mark holds everything together and was the tootsie roll drive chairperson who helped double the amount made in previous years.

 

Sonny still lives with his family on the farm, working with Sam and Dan at Walmart warehouse. A straight-A student, Carly is a sophomore in high school and was crowned Houston High Homecoming Queen this fall in between her active schedule at school in band, choir, student council, and sports (a pitcher on the softball team and a point guard on the basketball team). She had her sweet 16 birthday, got her driver’s license, and recently started waitressing at a local diner. Little Sonny played 7^th grade football and spends his free time plotting pranks.

Amanda has been working with Palen for four years and enjoys traveling and working with many different area band programs. Tom is in his fourth year of teaching at Ozark, and the band had a very successful marching season this year. Brett is now 12 years old and active in piano, trombone, and swimming. Brett, a musical prodigy following in Gaffer’s footsteps, has performed several outstanding piano recitals. Cale is seven years old and active in swimming and baseball. Brett and Cale are unique rapscallions. In fact, Tom posted once about how anyone considering having children could borrow their boys for a day of clothing shopping to cure that desire!

Sarah has had a tumultuous year in and out of the hospital and rehabs; however, the experiences have helped, and she has turned her life around. As always, she is a hard worker who is always helping those around with various projects. Malachi graduated from Houston High School with his high school sweetheart Chelsea. Aidan started his freshman year at Houston High and played on the football team.

 

Jill and Adam left Rolla to move onto the family farm, digging a well and settling in to their new home. Jill continues waitressing and began working with Mom as an enumerator for Missouri Agriculture Statistics (which means driving all over the Ozarks and interviewing farmers). Also, Jill entered the Labrada Lean Body Challenge, a national contest that included Canada with thousands of entries, and she won first in her age group. She continues working out and is studying for her personal trainer certification and inspires us all along the way. Adam is taking classes towards his degree and working at UPS. Their family adopted Uncle David’s small terrier mix, Lucky, in May, and a small tabby kitten, Gracie, who showed up on their doorsteps this fall. Owen is homeschooling and excelled in basketball while Jax started preschool and his first year of soccer and basketball. Mia is a force to be reckoned with. 

All of Sam and Serena’s kids are excelling in school and getting great reviews from their teachers who even mentioned how exciting it was to have “intelligent” Crawfords in their classes. Katch, another musical prodigy following in Gaffer’s footsteps, is a middle schooler who is playing the trombone in the high school band. He has taught himself songs on the piano and is interested in the guitar. Coached by his uncle and dad, the defensive coach, Kayden finished football with a super bowl win while Isis started school and played her first round of basketball, showing off her dribbling skills. Kane and Owen played on the same basketball team, making a great combo and shooting most of the baskets for the team. Sam and Serena are using the house plans created by Uncle David, and their addition will include six more rooms and a garage. Serena also runs a highly successful business of cake toppers out of their home, and at work, Sam became the first worker to throw a million cases and earned a photoshoot that had him and his brothers running for the hills.

Ben farms, raises rabbits and beef cattle, and is a supervisor at the Houston Walmart while Christin works at a daycare and volunteers at church, working with the 4-H Clover Kids. Cadence is a straight A student who plays piano and basketball, and the twins played soccer and basketball. Ember started preschool and has aspirations to be the next Dolly Parton, Granny says.

Dan recently left Walmart and is in the process of embarking on a new career and a new life with his girlfriend Lynn and her daughter Hailey. 

Martin took a break from welding except for projects around the farm and spends his time playing videos and various sports as well as tormenting his nieces and nephews.

If I continued to tell you all of the activities and accomplishments of this prolific and precocious family, it would fill pages. Just this week, Mom told me a story about how someone remarked that there were sure a lot of kids in the Christmas play at Bado Church this year. Mom soon realized that out of the 31 kids participating, 15 of them were her grandchildren!

Thus, in the midst of a painful and challenging year and although we have a litany of protests regarding so many changes, we continue in the vein of those we’ve lost as we use our creativity and intelligence in productive ways.

 

This year brings a whole new world to our family and our holiday celebrations; as Greifshare recommends, we have to find a “new normal” now. We don’t know what that looks like yet, and the process is extremely challenging; however, we will do our best and carry forward. That means we will start some new traditions while continuing others. Regardless, we know we are blessed. We have our memories, and we have each other. We stand on the solid foundation of a strong legacy left by Grandpa Crawford, Dad, Uncle David and others that we lost and remember (like our great-grandparents Iva, Brick, and Joe, Myrtle and Claude, Homer and Bessie, Grandpa Bruce, Grandma Bonnie, Grandma Juanita and the generations before them). And, we are grateful for Grandma Helen’s continued role in the family. We stand on the solid foundation of our land and our faith and all of the gifts God has provided. Gifts like family, intelligence, creativity, strength, beauty, and love. Gifts like land, talents, work-ethic, farming, and knowledge. We cherish these and vow to use what we have been given to bless others. Legacy, tradition, and family, not money or material possessions.  Family, tradition, and legacy, we embrace these during this season and in the New Year to come.

PS: No words were harmed in the writing of this letter. I wrote this in the time-honored tradition of Dad and his voracious use of large vocabulary words (at least I did my best!). Should you not know the meaning of a word I’ve used here, in the words of Dad, “Look it up in the dictionary.”

Blessings to you and yours this holiday season. We wish you laughter, love, tradition, fun, peace, and joy. Most of all, we wish you time together with those you love.

Written in loving memory of Dad and Uncle David.

Grace of God

I wanted more of a fresh start for the New Year, but as usually happens in life, some of the old junk from the old year is already snipping at me.  I did everything I could think of to leave it behind.

On Winter Solstice, Lexi, Laina, and I wrote down all of the negative things from 2012, shared them, and then burned the paper, clearing out the old, making room for the new.  Then, we wrote down all of the positive things from 2012 and shared them with each other.  We were happy to note more positive than negative, and it was surprising that much of the negative had turned into a positive.

I made New Year’s Resolutions…in a way.  What I did was to set long term goals for the end of 2013 and create a list of seven simple actions I want to take every day this year that will lead towards those goals.  So far this year, I’ve completed all of those actions every day.  :)

I’ve also prayed for help, and I applied for around 100 full-time jobs during 2012 (and have already applied for one this year!) and took all of the classes and sub work I could get.  Yes, most of the old junk that is snapping at me has to do with wanting a full-time job with decent pay and benefits , with financial issues, stability, and all of the worry and anxiety those things bring.

In 2012, many people helped us, and I really appreciate that.  God came through for us, and I have to keep believing that He will and trusting. 

At the same time, it’s so frustrating to always be the one who needs help and to not have the stability that I want for my life and my girls. 

It’s great that I get a winter break with my kids.  I love it. Though I spend a vast majority of it doing prep work for the next semester, there is still time for the holidays, including Lexi’s birthday, and hanging with family and friends.  What’s not so cool about it is that I don’t receive a paycheck the first three weeks of January.  That is scary and so difficult. 

Right now, I have enough money to fill my gas tank.  After that, I do not know what I will do.  I don’t know how I will buy groceries for my children or how I will pay my bills. 

Last January, my ex helped by paying some past-due child support, so we made it through.  This January, he says he’ll pay regular child support “when he can,” which means that I may not even be able to pay rent on time this month.  It is so stressful and frustrating to not pay bills on time, to not have money for groceries.

On top of that, I am already several thousand dollars behind because of having less classes last year (I won’t even mention my student loans).  And, I am worried about having so many older items.  My car needs work, my laptop is hanging on by a thread, and our phones sometimes choose not to work.  I want to get ahead, not continue struggling to make ends meet, so it’s time to make changes.

I’ve already cut out going to the movies; last semester, we only went to the theater during a holiday break as a treat.  We rarely eat out anymore.  I’ve turned down hanging out with friends anytime it cost money, even gas money.  I’m learning to say “No” more often and prioritize.  Now maybe I will have to cancel cable, but I cannot cut internet as I work online.  Perhaps we should move into a cheaper condo with less bedrooms, though I love living here and love that I feel my girls are safe in this area and love that we each have our own room, our own space.  For now I only have to find a way to make it through the next three weeks, but I don’t know what will happen as prices continue to increase much faster than our incomes.  I know some relatives and friends who have moved back in with their parents and others are still searching for jobs and for answers.

Possibly I will have to go to a food bank to get groceries, but I do not want to.  I feel like such a failure if I have to take that step.  It’s the tug of war between how I think society/others will view me, how I see myself, and how God perceives me.  The push and pull between the reality of the bank statement versus visualizing something better for the future.  The juxtaposition between the current economy and my education/resume/experience.  The contrast between the opportunities/experiences I want my children to have versus the reality of being a single mom.

I remember my sister telling me about volunteering at a soup kitchen during her graduate work and the revelations that brought her.  A few years before that, her husband had an aneurism, several brain surgeries, and although he survived, he was hospitalized for a long time and on medication.  She realized that, if she hadn’t had family and friends to support her through that experience, she could easily have been on the other side of the serving table at the soup kitchen.  There but by the grace of God go I.

All of my devotions this week have been about trusting God, relying on Him, and I am trying to do so.  Focus on Him and what I do have.  Focus on the choices I can make.  For instance, I have enough money, gas, and food for today.  I have enough for this weekend.  The three of us are healthy and have a nice place to live.  In fact, right this moment, I have an abundant, blessed life, and all is well.

My Writing, My Words

          Last year around this time I was reflecting on 2011 and creating resolutions for 2012.  I resolved to exercise more consistently, and I have, starting the year off with P90X, switching to swimming laps for the summer, and ending with beach walks and Zumba.  I wanted to start my day off by taking care of myself, and on those days I exercise in the mornings, I have more energy and feel better all day.

I also decided to make writing a priority.  As a writing teacher, I want to model what I teach.  At the same time, I am inundated with other people’s words, reading literally a thousand essays or more a year.  Therefore, I decided to put my writing, my words first, writing down my thoughts, even if only for 10 to 30 minutes, in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way morning pages journal.  As I poured out my fears and stresses, my racing ideas and emotional turmoil, I found myself lighter and more at peace for the day.

Finally, I resolved to also begin each day with God through prayer and gratitude.  I pray before I even get out of bed, and at the end of my morning pages, I write down the things I am grateful for.  “Thank you, God, for all of my blessings” is the way I begin that section.  Before I knew it, I realized that I kept getting more of whatever I thanked God for.  Thank you, God, for always being there for me.

I’m definitely not saying that I’m perfect and that I did all three of those things every day this year because I didn’t.  I should have exercised at a higher intensity level and written more and developed a more intimate relationship with God.  However, on the days I did all three of those things, I noticed that I felt better, had more energy, and experienced more of a positive outlook.  It’s the little things that matter, and it is doing the little things consistently that makes a difference and that builds up to the bigger things.

This fall, four of my essays have been published, two in print journals and two online.  I firmly believe that these publications are a consequence of doing those three things, of following through on my plans, and of placing emphasis and importance on my own words. 

"Dolphins for Christmas" appeared in Florida English, while "The Celebration" is in New Plains Review.  Then, CircaReview online just published "Of Beauty, Basements, and Butterflies" and "Magic Acts"! 

Thank you, God, for my publications. 

I will continue these three things next year and try to take them to the next level.  What 2012 resolutions worked for you this year?