Mothers Carry Love

Dear UD,

It’s May, the month of mothers, May flowers, and graduation celebrations.

“I remember all the flowers you picked for me for Mother’s Day,” Mom said when I stayed with her last December. I remember too. I see me at 14, walking the family farm, hiking the rivers, climbing the bluffs, clutching a fistful of Missouri wildflowers. Purples, yellows, whites galore, but on I walked, searching for the rare red ones to round out the bouquet. Every year until I married and moved away, I brought Mom a handful of colorful wildflowers.

The past two summers I stayed with Mom in July, and even then, I hunted for wildflowers to bring her. Wildflowers and rocks with holes in them. I just realized that I don’t know why rocks with holes were so special to her, but she collected them so we searched for them anytime we walked or swam the rivers.

And now there’s a hole in my life because she’s gone.

I never even contemplated a Mother’s Day without Mom. Incomprehensible. Inexplicable. Inconceivable. Completely and utterly unfathomable. Unimaginable. Unbelievable.

At least not this soon. Not this quickly. Not when she was only in her sixties.

Aidan is graduating this month, and his Granny won’t be there. An empty seat that should be filled. An empty place that once was filled. That only months ago would have been filled. A generation of grandkids who will miss her, some who may not remember her. Unthinkable. Unacceptable. Unbearable.

This week is rough, UD. I’m heartbroken. All the time. Everything reminds me. Makes me sad. Everything, everything, everything.

Mom is irreplaceable. Rare. Exceptional. She is loved and missed more than words can convey.

Moms are life; they give birth to new beings. Moms are selfless; they sacrifice for their offspring. Moms are home; they offer grounding, place,

and foundation.

It’s Mother’s Day, UD, and we’re motherless. Motherless, without a mom here on this earth. Motherless—no synonyms, substitutes, replacements for mothers. Motherless for the rest of our lives. How do we go on from here? You lost your mom, Grandma Bonnie, in your thirties. How did you do it? How did Mom?

But you had each other, and we had you both. It’s so lonely without you, without Mom. I miss her voice, her fresh garden vegetables, her smile, her cooking, her advice, her adventurous spirit, her welcoming and giving service to everyone. I miss her presence here on earth, knowing I could reach out and she would be there. Knowing I had someone on my side, always. Knowing I had a place to go, no matter what.

One of the most precious lessons I learned from Mom is this—to include and welcome everyone.
Mom never met a stranger, and her home was always open for those in need. Like a mother hen collecting chicks, Mom surrounded herself with those who needed. Always, she gave, fed, welcomed. Her love carried on her hands as she gave to others. Her love carried on her heart as she shared with others. Her love carried on her prayers as she remembered everyone.

And now, UD, even though we are motherless, heartbroken, devastated, and inconsolable, we must survive, remember, and band together. Through the tears and grief, remember Dad, you, Mom. Through the pain and sorrow, remember the moments we treasure. Through the anguish and loss, remember the lessons and love from you all. Together we stand stronger. Together we welcome others. Together we carry love on our hands, hearts, and prayers.

Love, Rach

PS: Thanks to my sister Jill Adams for some of these nature photos.

“Something Extraordinary and Beautiful”

I’ve had a run of bad luck lately, or so it seemed. Things come in threes, and I went for over a month without a working dryer, laptop, and vacuum at home. Finally, I was able to purchase those items, but you know how it goes with new products. The learning curve is frustrating and time-consuming. I’ve spent hours attempting to figure out how to use Windows 8, to print from the new laptop, and to upload final grades.  On top of all of that, I have to deal with late child support (which finally came) as well as hearing of even lower enrollment numbers (which means that I may not have enough classes to make ends meet this summer).

As a single, working mother who pieces together a living from various jobs, I don’t have time for all of these extra challenges, and life has felt extra overwhelming again. When I am already that fragmented, any little thing triggers despair or anger. I’ve been yelling at God recently, asking why my life has to be so complicated, demanding to know why I have so much to handle.

Thus, I went into the weekend feeling defeated and worried, but today (Mother’s Day) reminded me that I am so blessed.

To begin with, my gorgeous girls spoiled me, starting with making me breakfast. Over green smoothies and farm fresh eggs, they gave me special cards, flowers, and gifts. I love the cross necklace from Laina and the framed photo of the girls of us from Lexi. Laina presented me with two supermom cards, saying that I am her hero, while Lexi made a card with photos of them, quotes from famous authors, and Bible verses such as “Her children rise up and call her blessed…” from Proverbs: 32-38 and “Do not forsake your mother’s teaching” from Proverbs 6:20.

After breakfast, we attended church, and during the worship, I cried. We sang “One Thing Remains” by Jesus Culture, which goes, “On and one and on and on it goes / It overwhelms and satisfies my soul / And I never ever have to be afraid / One thing remains / Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me.” I felt so filled up with God’s love, and I felt so extremely blessed. Blessed with God’s love, blessed with my daughters.

I stood in the front row with Laina on one side and Lexi on the other. God has blessed me with these amazing, wise daughters. No matter how difficult things have been in the past, no matter how hard they are now, no matter how challenging they will be in the future, I am so blessed and privileged to have these two daughters, to have a close relationship with them, to learn from them, to share with them, to be here with them. No matter what Matthew (their dad and my ex) has said or done, no matter what he will say or do in the future, I thank him for Lexi and Laina. They are worth it.

The pastor’s message was on how to deal with difficulties. As normal, I heard exactly what I needed to hear at CAV. It’s important to be defined by Christ, and not by our suffering, to see our self in Christ and not in the despair. Sometimes that is just as hard as whatever we are dealing with. I’d lost sight of who I am and was focusing on my troubles, my pain, my fears. Now I will turn my focus onto opportunities rather than dangers, as the pastor said today, and concentrate on how God can use my challenges for good.

This afternoon, we decided to see The Great Gatsby, which was brilliant, and afterwards, we analyzed the movie, deciding that it proved why it is so important who we choose as friends and that we are glad to be a little different than mainstream society. My girls thanked me for the time homeschooling them and showing them a different way to live.

Tonight, I am hanging out with my girls. They made a delicious dinner of roasted chicken, fried okra, fresh corn on the cob, and chocolate covered strawberries, and I am grateful that I had a day to rest. So, I go into the new week refreshed and content. I still have problems to work through and definitely have challenges coming up; however, my eyes are focused on who I am in Christ, and my heart is full of love.  Fitzgerald wrote in a letter that he wanted to "write something extraordinary and beautiful and simple and intricately patterned,” and similarly, I am open for "something new--something extraordinary and beautiful."

Happy Mother’s Day!