Intimacy: I see you; you see me

     I have felt lonely and alone—like I have to do everything myself and carry the burden alone—both as a married woman and more recently as a single mom, and it’s taken me a long time to feel the love that is around me every day.

At a Focus Tuesday meeting in Kansas City one night, Dawna Grigsby said intimacy means that “I see you, and you see me.”  Her definition of intimacy made so much sense that I never forgot it. 

I felt comfortable with the first part and even enjoyed getting to know others, sharing ideas with them, going to deeper levels of heart and truth; however, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the second part where I was the one looked at.  I felt ruined and damaged, like film exposed to the sun, and I didn’t want anyone to see me.  I didn’t want to see myself.

I was unhappy and disconnected yet didn’t know why.  Now I understand that real intimacy is more than being open to other people; it starts with being open to self and God.  With seeing and knowing self and God. To be intimate with another, we must be intimate with ourselves and our Creator. As my relationship with God has strengthened, my relationships with others are improving.  As I begin to see and accept myself, I begin to connect more with other people.

Today is the day after Valentine’s Day, which is a day of love and friendship, and I am feeling more love and connection than I ever remember experiencing before.  For the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel lonely because I know that God is with me and loves me. As Chris Tomlin sings in “Whom Shall I Fear,” “I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind. The God of angel armies is always by my side. The One who reigns forever. He is a friend of mine. The God of angel armies is always by my side.” And I know that the members of my small group at church are also walking with me. I know that my girls are with me. In fact, I am surrounded by kind and loving people (including all of my online friends) and feel blessed.  I feel like George Bailey at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life when he finally “wakes” up and sees how wonderful his life is and Harry says that George is the “richest” man in town because so many people care about him.

I am loved. I am loving. I am love.

Earlier this week, I bought dark chocolate and a beautiful bouquet of flowers to share with my girls for a Valentine’s Day treat.  Otherwise, I went through a normal day of work and errands, yet I felt content, connected.

“To love another person is to see the face of God.” Whenever I hear this line from the end of Les Miserables, I smile and cry because it is so beautiful and so true and because it shows me that I am blessed to love and be loved.

I remember a therapist I saw in Florida who, during our first session, started with the question, “How’s your heart?”  No one had ever asked me that precise question before, and it shocked me. At first I thought she was asking if I had physical heart problems because I’ve had anxiety attacks where I was scared of having a heart attack. Then, I realized she meant my heart, my soul…everything that makes me Rachel, and I didn’t know what to say. How often do we ask each other, ask ourselves, how is your heart today? Where is your heart right now? And how different would our lives, our families, our world be if we started with that?

KarenMcElmurry, my writing mentor during the last year of my MFA, writes about the dark heart with compassion, honesty, and courage, which is my hope for my writing and life…to lead with compassion, honesty, forgiveness, and love.

I taught the song “The Heart of the Matter” to my non-native speaking students yesterday in reading class, and the song is true. What is most important is forgiveness, which only happens with compassion and love: love of self, love of God, love of others. Dawna Grigsby once defined compassion as “love in action,” which makes sense because love begets compassion which begets forgiveness which begets love…a beautiful cycle of hope. So, the truth is that love is what is important; love is what matters; God is love.

Beauty, Truth, Love

     Yesterday I was wrapped in a work bubble, completely concentrating on finishing tasks for fall semester so that I could enter final grades and begin prep work for spring semester, so I didn’t learn about the Sandy Hook tragedy until late in the afternoon.  I didn’t finish working until late evening, though, so Facebook and the internet were the only sources available until this morning when I watched the news shows…and cried.  It is unbelievable, disturbing, and heartbreaking.

          After an hour, I turned the TV off because I do not want to be inundated by the media, especially with something so distressing.  I cannot even imagine the pain and horror of the parents and families who lost someone yesterday morning in this senseless tragedy.  I am so sorry. 

          I’ve heard people blame guns, while others blame the fact that God is not in schools like they want.  For this or other cruel acts, some place the blame on parents or the government or schools or technology or lack of morals or the media or violence in our culture.  I, too, want to look anywhere but in the mirror, yet Michael Jackson is right that we need to start with the “man in the mirror” and, as Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

The truth is we are all to blame, and we are all innocent.  Yes, there are serious conversations we need to have about issues like gun control, the public school system, bullying, and the increase in violent acts like school shootings, especially one so horrendous as to be at an elementary school.

But right now, I want to focus on simple yet vastly important issues like how we communicate with ourselves and others, how we treat ourselves and our children, how we nourish and fuel our minds, bodies, and souls, and how we are all connected. 

Today, I am filled with questions.  What do we put into our minds, bodies, and souls every day?  Who are the five people we are around the most?  How do we treat those who cannot do anything to us, including our pets and children?  What do we believe about ourselves and each other?  What ambiance we have created in our homes, wherever we live?

The answers to these questions are so simple yet so complex, and they create the world we live in, the life we live.  It’s all about choice.  Every day, every moment, we choose what to watch, what to listen to, what to eat, who to hang out with, what to believe, what to do.  I know it’s not so simple as I struggle with the choices I make in each moment every day, yet I do know that it is also that simple as choice equals our lives.

We must start and continue with these conversations rather than simply going back to our daily lives, ignoring issues, or postponing action.  Today is the day to begin.  I read a poem about kindness today that blew me away.  Today is the day for kindness, compassion, giving, loving.  Today is the day to use words that build, choose thoughts and actions that encourage, and fuel yourself with images, people, words that foster beauty, truth, love. 

We must come together:  parents, teachers, artists, musicians, politicians, reporters, leaders, teenagers, children.  Together we can find answers, take action, and create authenticity of this human experience.

Nothing, nothing matters more than those we love.  I am reminded of words my dad once said, “When it comes down to it, all you’ve got is your family.”  So, today, if you are lucky enough to have the chance, spend quality time with those you love…listen to them, build them up, hug them, love them. 

Simple words, simple acts, simple choices.  But those simple things can make a difference, can mean everything.